melicacy

my dad’s been buying birthday cakes every single year from bengawan solo EVER SINCE I WAS BORN its like a tradition already
i get it, its probably the “branded” cake shop in his era but after so many years obviously much better brands have been established and bengawan solo still remains as it was. i’m so sick and tired of bengawan solo birthday cakes they don’t even bother inventing new flavors its still the same old few. every year i get pissed off when they ask what cake i want because there isn’t much to choose from. and i HATE black forest cake, from anywhere/any shop. okay maybe i don’t hate it because i still love chocolate and whipped cream but i hate the combination of jam and cake.
next year i’m gonna be pissed off again because its still going to be bengawan solo I”M VERY CERTAIN ABOUT THIS. this is one reason why i hate birthdays. i even told my dad NOT to get me any cake yesterday when he asked what cake i wanted and i told him how sick and tired i am of their cakes. and that i hated black forest cakes.
BUT GUESS WHAT
HE STILL WENT TO BENGAWAN SOLO
but instead of the same few flavors he bought a “new” flavor that we haven’t tried before
-_-”

i just told him i didn’t want to cut the cake this year.

its mango and its not bad but i’d rather a cake from some place else. even a cheap cake from a neighborhood bakery like a normal chocolate sponge cake with tonnes of whipped cream would suffice.
i love cakes sooooo much i’m easily satisfied.
I JUST DON”T LIKE IT WHEN THEY CAN”T BE BOTHERED TO FIND OUT WHAT I REALLY LIKE AND THEN ASSUME THAT BENGAWAN SOLO IS THE BEST PLACE TO GET BIRTHDAY CAKES.

why can’t he just find out what i really want.
I HATE BENGAWAN SOLO BIRTHDAY CAKES.
I HATE BENGAWAN SOLO BIRTHDAY CAKES.
I HATE BENGAWAN SOLO BIRTHDAY CAKES.
I HATE BENGAWAN SOLO BIRTHDAY CAKES.
I HATE BENGAWAN SOLO BIRTHDAY CAKES.
I HATE BENGAWAN SOLO BIRTHDAY CAKES.
I HATE BENGAWAN SOLO BIRTHDAY CAKES.
I HATE BENGAWAN SOLO BIRTHDAY CAKES.
I HATE BENGAWAN SOLO BIRTHDAY CAKES.
I HATE BENGAWAN SOLO BIRTHDAY CAKES.
I HATE BENGAWAN SOLO BIRTHDAY CAKES.
I HATE BENGAWAN SOLO BIRTHDAY CAKES.
I HATE BENGAWAN SOLO BIRTHDAY CAKES.
every single year they just have to piss me off during my birthday.

maybe that’s why i’m so full of hatred. because every single year during my birthday I”M FULL OF HATRED.

anyhows, i finished the entire cake at one go. idk if its due to my emotional eating or simply because i don’t want to be reminded of it and my birthday anymore

offended a colleague because of my blunt replies.
i guess anyone would be offended by the way i speak unless they understand my character :S

kept hurting myself when using the measuring tape

“scolded” by someone in charge of checking our work because i produced incomplete and slipshod work

black faces in the office esp from the boss (i’m sensing some hostility)

back at home,
burnt by oil splatters when frying chicken (again) second time in 2 weeks ):<

another weird ulcer under my tongue (2nd time this week)
it’s not the usual white-ish ulcer but its blood-ish. the previous one was in a bubble which i burst (LOTSA BLOOD) this time round its kinda flat but super uncomfortable and ain’t burstable (I TRIED) so it’s still here -_-”

when bad things happen they keep happening ):<

counting down again.
thank god its finally friday. but i don’t want monday to come ):

sigh why does labor day have to fall on a saturday ):

hokkien mee uncle’s closed thurs and fri, which means no hokkien for 4 days ):

bought wanton mee just now and aunty’s being super stingy about giving me more soup (LIKE WTF I”M NEVER PATRONIZING YOU EVER AGAIN)

tsk. i just flooded my twitter. maybe i just need a place to rant.

but i have a bad habit of deleting whatever i type so i’ve just deleted a whole page of rants here because i figure i don’t need the whole world to read about my pointless rants.

i can go on and on but i’ll just keep deleting them so..

fuck it this is a totally pointless post.

i’m just moody and angsty and cold and nasty and if my mom talks to me anytime soon i swear i’m gonna have a panic attack.
thank god she’s at the other side of singapore right now. but no thanks to god i’m at work.
i can’t wait for internship to be over. i hate my boss. i hate waking up early. i hate doing shit work.

okay before i delete everything again i’ll just publish this.

and add a picture to this senseless post reflecting my current state.

(update: 1pm)and a 5 min doodle because i didn’t feel like doing the assigned work & i was bored

(update: 3pm)

free fruits!

counting down: 3+ hours to go

(update: 5.30pm)
i’m not looking forward to tomorrow (onwards) because we have to move in to sit with the rest of the colleagues >:(
fucking ruined my mood. i’m gonna hate working even more now.
the aircon inside’s gonna be so much colder and the seats less comfy and with so many eyes watching there’s prolly less opportunity to slack.
(i just woke up from an hour’s nap btw :X)
hownowbrowncow i wanna think of excuses to move back :(((((((((((
i hate my boss i hate my boss i hate my boss.

this’s the first time i’ll ever say this word (HATE) about both of them because i thought i only hated my mom and i had the greatest dad but NO I DO NOT.
i don’t wanna type i hate my dad because i hate my mom more so i’ll just type parents and rant about my dad.
my dad’s hesitant about spending money on me. (OBVIOUS BECAUSE HE USED TO BUY MORE TIDBITS BUT NOW HE”S SCRIMPING ON GROCERY)
the other day he asked what i wanna do after graduation (PERHAPS HINTING WHAT I WANNA WORK AS) then i was like “huh so fast go out to work? of course i wanna continue studying first” then he’s like hesitant about sending me overseas because of the hefty fees then he said like “then gotta save up if you wanna go overseas” HINTING THAT MONEY”S DEPLETING LIKE SO FRIGGIN OBVIOUS
trying to make me feel like a burden and a waste of money.
I HATE THIS FEELING OF BEING A BURDEN AND DISAPPOINTMENT AND ALL THAT FUCKING SHIT.
fucking hell you know what, if i’m not gonna continue studying I”M NOT GONNA WORK AS WELL.
IF YOU HAVE MONEY TO SPEND ON YOUR FAVORITE DAUGHTER IN AUSTRALIA WHO”S NOW NEITHER STUDYING NOR WORKING THEN DON”T EXPECT ME TO WORK AFTER GRADUATING FROM POLY.

I HATE BEING POOR.
I HATE BEING IN A POOR FAMILY.
I HATE HAVING POOR PARENTS.

PERIOD.

why’s gambling like everywhere during cny.
i hate gambling. i hate the thought of it. i hate the sound of it. i hate people doing it.

anyways my neighbor’s been swimming with them mahjong tiles since afternoon so they prolly hit 12 hours of non-stop gambling already.
i’m on level 2 now and i can still hear the shuffling of mahjong tiles in their backyard.
actually that doesn’t annoy me (compared to the wails of babies) there is no noise i hate more than any sound a baby makes. even a laughter irks me. okay shall not drift too far from the gambling topic.

i remember in the past at every chalet/party, whenever the mates play cards/gamble i’d always feel totally left out because i hated to get involved in such activities.

so yeah. if so many people love getting involved in such activities that’s prolly why i’m friendless.
but i won’t care to make friends with gamblers anyways :)

mom’s going to m’sia till coming tuesday (i think KL?)
dad’s going penang on 30 Oct
why don’t they ever travel together..
my mom’s the hilton hotel fussy traveller while my dad’s the adventurous simplicity walker
how’d they end up getting married in the first place?!
now they’re too old to regret and re-marry anyway so they’re stuck with each other (lol -_-)

i don’t understand why my mom loves staying at hilton hotel (EVEN IN MALAYSIA?!?!)
i have to “suffer” with budget accommodation for all my trips, still feeling the pain, and she enjoy her luxurious accommodation. and then get stingy with me and complains i spend too much money. F U C K.

anyhows i just ordered $200 worth of biscuits online :X haha new addition to my junkfood area. kill me please.
and i’m contemplating ordering ice cream because lugging tubs of ice cream home each grocery trip is draining all my energy & making me skinnier than i already am.

okay i’m rattling on because it’s 3.33AM and i can’t friggin sleep. watching AFC isn’t helping. i’m inspired to cook just watching those shows.

ohhhhhh and someone commented that my cheeks are chubbier
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH whatever okay i can’t help that everything i eat goes to my face instead of my skinny-boney body.

period.

random ugly pic (i am scared of flash :P)

random hotel pic:

random rants:
-hate it when people say i look korean/japanese. i don’t like their culture/country AT ALL.

-the flight to bkk was disturbed by AUNTIES yakking non-stop.

-the flight back to sg was disturbed by an ANNOYING TWAT. stupid baby crying non-stop. i wish i could throw IT out of the damn plane.

-hate it when people stare at how much i can eat. bloody singaporeans @ the thai restaurant thought i didn’t understand dialect, they were commenting about how much i’m eating etc etc etc the whole damn time. the whole 2 hours they were there they were commenting and looking and commenting.

but anyhows they didn’t affect me. i didn’t give a hoot and ignored them. didn’t even wanna exchange any eye contact. acted like i didn’t understand what they’re saying.

enjoyed my buffets nevertheless :P

i’ve been dreaming a lot lately.
different people, people whom i thought didn’t matter, random people i barely communicate with, people i went to school with but barely socialized, people from my past.
i don’t know why, there’re periods when i don’t dream at all for a long time, and there’re times when i keep dreaming for nights and nights consecutively.
might be any drugs i’m consuming but idk for sure.
i don’t really like the aftermath of dreams. gets me thinking, recollecting, and thinking more.

on a random note, I HATE ANTS. i have a spraycan of insecticide by my bedside so i can kill whatever that passes my eyes. BUT THEY STILL COME BACK fucking shitz.
one morning i was BITTEN by a tiny ant, and awoken by it. of course i killed it.
the ants around my bed are those tiny tiny ants, and i just sprayed a bunch of them on my window. (so i guess that’s where they’re coming from) my bed is just beside my window.
maybe i should just place ant killer thingies all over so i don’t have to trouble myself to spray and hunt for them.

and for those SAINTS who feel that we shouldn’t kill insects, go to your motherfucking hell. it is because of idiots like you that there are more insects around. just fucking kill them. you won’t go to heaven just because you DIDN”T.

oh the other day i was so brave.
you know all the while i thought lizards (geckos) are my friends because they help kill ants/whatever insects and i have never killed a lizard. BUT THE ANTS ARE STILL THERE so i decided to just kill them.
AND I REALIZE THERE ARE GETTING MORE AND MORE LIZARDS IN OUR HOUSE. I EVEN WITNESSED ONE FROM A BABY GROWING INTO AN ADULT. (aww i’m like the mommy right watching them grow up) fucking shitz now i spot another baby in the living room and i’m gonna watch it grow up LOL

okay back to my bathroom. omg you don’t know HOW MUCH i’ve sprayed on them and they STILL WON”T DIE. (at first)
so i thought maybe the insecticide won’t work on lizards because the bottle shows like flying insects and roaches and maybe lizards are too huge to die from it IDK RIGHT
so okay i continued spraying and i thought all the spraying did was just limit their climbing because they keep slipping and falling when they try to get on the wall SO I WAS STUCK WITH 2 CRAWLING LIZARDS IN MY BATHROOM (ON THE FUCKING SAME GROUND AS ME)
so okay i took a plastic container and trapped a lizard in it (omg it was making so much noise) bloody hell and the other lizard was at the other corner (i had no more containers) so i just continued spraying LOL
OKAY THIS IS THE BRAVE PART RIGHT I”M SO FUCKING BRAVE TO GET SO NEAR TO THAT FUCKING LIZARD TO TRAP IT IN THE CONTAINER RIGHT OMG AND IT WAS STILL MOVING AND JUMPING OKAY!

they were still moving 30 minutes later but in the morning they were at the same spot, motionless. so YAY they died.
the insecticide works. JUST TAKES HELLUVA LONG TIME.

WOOOOOOOOO KILL ALL INSECTS THEY ALL DESERVE TO DIE
-end-

i’m just so damn bloody frustrated.

i can never ever get along with HER anymore.

i can never communicate with her anymore.

i can never let myself be nice anymore.

i can’t bring myself to do anymore sweet gestures anymore.
(how i used to sew plushed toys/do little things for her because i genuinely cared and loved her)
note the past tense.

i don’t even want to look at her.

i hate how everything in my life revolves around her.

i can’t stand it. can’t stand it.

and she’d never be there for me anyway.
she just came back from shanghai and is going KL again.
and won’t be around on the day of my presentation to send me to school/back home.
my dad had to take leave to send me to school.

i hate her.

i was so damn frustrated and if not for the fact that i’m up in my loft bed (where nothing sharp’s within reach), i would have been cutting myself already (THANK GOD)

i need to calm down before i get down from my bed and get my hands on any knife.

fucking shit.

“mel’s such a spoilt brat”
“she has such a horrible temper”
“she is blunt and too straightforward”
“she never hides her anger”
“she’s so grumpy”
“why do people have to give in to her all the time”
“she complains about everything that doesn’t go her way”
“she’s selfish”
“she only thinks of herself”
“she always wants the best to herself”
“she never cares about anyone or anything not related to her”
“she’s heartless”
(and whatever else others think of me)

no wonder she doesn’t have any friends.
no wonder her mother finds it a chore to support her.
no wonder she deserves to just die.

every time i try to kill myself it’s always because my mom and i have an argument.
i don’t know why i’m still alive, because i really want to die.
today it was because of money (again?).
she gave me $100 for grocery shopping (while she waited in the car) and the bill came up to $106 (even after careful picking of items to make sure i’m under the $100 mark). i had to take out items from the bags at the cashier just to have enough to pay. how embarrassing. i threw my temper when i got back to the car. and she kept yelling at how much i’m spending on junk food. yeah and she just friggin triggered my anxiety.
i had an anxiety attack.
i came home ran straight to my room slammed the door and vented my frustrations.
i don’t know when but if this goes on, one of the anxiety attacks’ gonna really get me killed.
maybe then i’ll be free.
free from all that misery.

i hate how she’s treating me.
she knows i have psychological problems but she’s gonna make things worsen by agitating me? by making me feel more hopeless and useless?

i seek comfort in junkfood and if she’s going to take that privilege away from me, there’s no comfort in life, there’s nothing that’s gonna keep me away from death.
she just wants me to be healthy? but if i’m healthy but miserable?

I”M NOT GOING TO EAT SO LONG AS THERE IS SOMEONE OCCUPYING THE LIVING ROOM.

I NEED MY FRIGGIN SPACE.
I JUST WANNA EAT MY JUNK SO LET ME HAVE MY SPACE AND LET ME EAT IN PEACE.
ALONE.

why do people like to do things to prevent me from eating? am i that fat?! huh huh huh??

examples:
-not letting me have my comfort zone to eat in peace
-packeting food from my house parties, taking food away from me so i don’t have alot to eat?
(a clear example was when i was STILL EATING and people start packeting food home. INFRONT OF ME, EATING. WTF)
-asking me to share food (i’m not a friggin santa claus. go buy your own candies.)

i’m in the worst mood right now so F OFF EVERYONE.

where i wore so sloppyishly to,
where we were so bored,
where we wandered around and ended up sitting at this bench while waiting for everyone to be done,
where we were eyeing on those boxes of FOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDD,
and where we camwhored:

the day,
started off badly with horrible attitude from the maid,
random cold war with my mom in the car to and fro,
received warning letter regarding attendance,
fucked up attitude from maid back home,
ate 5 freaking rice dumplings without even realizing it wasn’t real chicken filling i ate, but vegetarian filling (it tastes so damn REAL!),
okay that was really random LOL
but the day ended with a smile despite all that crap
because…
my dad opened his bag and gave me a bag of kit kat! (from his colleague TO ME!!!!!)
she said because i’m very skinny.
and that made my dad laugh while he said it.
how very cute.
AND KIT KAT WAS NICE (:

i hope that by now, you do know how it feels like to be abandoned, to be deserted, to be left alone when all you need is someone to cry to.

and i’m glad i’m past that phase, because i’m thankful that i’m alone.

L I A R .

because i don’t like ‘how are you?’s,
because i don’t like inquisitions,
because i don’t like questions asked for the sake of asking,
basically becauuse i simply do not like plain chatting.

so i spent bout sgd$250 on delias.com and sgd$70plus on oldnavy and another sgd$100 on vpost shipping. bloodyhell why does vpost cost so bloody much urgh.

should i have waited for my second package to share base charge or should i have gone ahead to pay separately, can anyone enlighten me?

wokay, so i happen to come across this picture and i don’t know if most girls would drool over this dude or get totally turned off like i did.

http://img294.imageshack.us/img294/7374/phpmqtwvsamcopylp1.jpg

click for picture.

guys with underarm hair totally disgust me :/
oh then guys will argue and say that it makes them look manly and yaddah yaddah yaddah
but in actual fact, its just gross and unhygienic and.. yeah gross.
i think those who don’t shave for that reason is mainly because they aren’t manly enough, so they gotta keep those bushes to make them seem manly. lol
if you are a real man, go shave dude.

my parents want me to become a christian.
well they’re not forcing me. just suggesting, and manipulating me in the most subtle way, hoping that i would give in.
i do not want to have a religion..
given my character, i hate rules and restrictions, i hate teachings and preaching, i hate followings and whatnots.
furthermore a wreck that i already am, i do not want to make myself look even more pathetic by having a religion just to have something to fall back on or rely on, or to suppress my misery.
i do not want to have to go to church every week with a blank mind, hoping to get it done and over with and leave.
i do not want to do something against my will.

btw i’m saying this only because i know people like this: i do not want to ACT like i’ve changed, ACT like i have no hatred nor temper, ACT like a friend to everyone and be a hypocrite to everyone around me. and deep down, having unspoken complaints and loathing.

i know my parents meant well, and churches are pretty, especially if i could go to churches all over the world (to photograph), but there’s no way i can accept a religion..

and i would hate it more if anyone would attempt to persuade or manipulate me in any way at all..

if you think that my existence is such a pain-in-the-ass, just say the word and i’ll disappear for good.
seriously.

only now do i wish i were a little more forgetful.

what i do everyday, is what i find comfort in. and if my freedom and ability to do so gets obstructed, i get so frustrated, thoughts of death will just keep ringing in my head like a broken alarm.
i guess thats why i get so pissed whenever my mom questions or interferes in whatever i’m doing.
i get extremely paranoid even when she’s just peering at me when i’m watching tv at the couch. paranoid about what she’d think about me, like what a loser i am being sucha couch potato all day long and stuff like that.
yeah i get extremely paranoid about people watching my move.
i need my space. and if anyone takes that away from me, i don’t know what’s gonna keep me alive anymore.
i know i’m detestable. i don’t hate myself any lesser than any of you do.

i only cooked the scrambled eggs, the beehoon was leftover tahpao-ed.
i wish i knew how to fry beehoon.

i hate the fact that i have a fucked up maid that i can’t stand, and a mom who never cooks.
there’s simply no one to learn from or share culinary tips with.

admit it.

or.. just stop the hypocrisy.

please.

…..

i hate me too..

but that’s the way its gonna be..

why are you so expensive !@#&^!O@^#!O@^#@!O#^@

grr i could barely afford 1 pint, not to mention at least 5 pints to just satisfy my craving ):

so my mom took 2 days off her hectic schedule and decided to stay home this weekend and try to ‘bond’ with the family that she single-handedly ruined.
well its something that can be re-built in just a couple of days huh. easy huh. piece of cake huh.
well we were supposed to go buy ingredients to bake together but i ditched the plan and went out and she persisted on and sms-ed me if i wanted to go showrooms together and i just.. didn’t. i know how much it would upset her from the moment i told her i didnt wanna bake with her. well it was a difficult decision for me alright.
i deliberately stayed out most of my saturday.
drowned myself in suki sushi buffet.

(had great company paul <3 great catching up :D)

so sunday.
i decided to just stay home.
then this had to happen.
with a strict tone somehow like lecturing me 'this is your 3rd bowl already how can your stomach fit so much food'
yeah she wants to control how much i eat now ya?
fucking shit.
i eat that much 7 days a week, 30 days a month.
and out of the 30 days a month, this one and only particular day she happens to see me eat alot throughout the entire day. so she decided to try to lecture me about it.
how about the fucking other 29 days of the rest of the month.
let me gorge myself to death and know nothing about it?
so she knows nothing about my life and when she comes across something wrong then she start to ‘care’?!
she just isn’t fit to tell me what and what NOT to do anymore.
i argued back of course.
asking her not to interfere in how much i eat.
‘i’m your mother of course i want to care’
yo mama, you care about me 1 day out of 30 days a month. thanks ah.
well drama drama.
always ends with a cold war, which she will try to put to a stop by being extra nice back to make it up to me.
yeah so back to friggin square one when she shouldnt even have lectured me because
1. it doesn’t work
2. we end up in a cold war
3. she doesnt want me to dislike her
4. she tries to make it up to me as if it was her fault for lecturing me
what a dilemma.
it’s tough being a mom, not to even mention, my mom.
but it’s disheartening being her daughter.

i do not want to continue anymore.

how can colours so beautiful, be tarnished in the hands of two negligent and irresponsible people..

i was utterly disgusted.. beyond words.
how is it possible that they would even find it passable to hand in such a hideous piece of thing..
i couldn’t even stand the mere sight of it.. not even one second..

i wished they could respect themselves enough to show that at least they could do SOMETHING right..
not to even mention.. respect the beauty of colours..

can i say utter disgust..

i am petty
and certainly do bear grudges.

… until my memory fails me, or till the day you make it up to me.

i get pissed off real easily no doubt.
but well, i’m easily pleased, and easily bribed over.

don’t come acting all friendly and shit with me acting like nothing’s happened.
if you wanna win my trust again you ought to do a little more than being a hypocrite.

thanks bye.

call me a selfish bitch but i hate it when others touch my things

or consume my food.

and whoever whatever, save your hypocrisy
if you don’t like me, or what i do
say it to my fucking face.

its not like i think of myself as an angel anyway.
i know i’m a selfish self-centered self-righteous pain-in-the-ass.

but who are you to judge me.

i have enough to deal with mentally
so do me a favor,
and leave me alone.

stoner.

what an unproductive week.
its by far the worst week ever since school started.
haven’t done a single assignment in the week, procrastinating and procrastinating..
just because there aint no deadline in the week doesn’t mean i should let everything pile up. now the coming week’s gonna be fatal. i have shittones of work piling up.
idling around, stressing myself up, eating and watching tv. all these ain’t gonna help me get my assignments done god dammit.
and i even skipped class on friday to go for suki sushi’s buffet.
ohohohomg sharlene’s damn spontaneous. i asked her like the super last minute in the morning if she wanted to go cus i saw her tag, and she really turned up! i thought i was gonna buffet alone again. really enjoyed the company :D

temper-wise, horrible.
been far more irritable, been losing it way too often.
i’m horrible horrible horrible and everyone should just stay away, lest my temper chase you away.

i hate myself for being such a brat, having my family give in to me all the time.
i’m so spoilt and i just let myself sink in further.
i hate not being able to control my emotions and pique.
i hate myself
i hate myself
i hate myself
i hate myself
i hate myself
i hate myself
i hate myself

stop asking me to eat more.
and instead,
please donate lots of food to me.
thank you.

and i want these.

but fuck it

because i have no money.

i didn’t used to know much about eating disorders, aneroxic and bullimia and chew and spit sickness and shit. now people wanna teach me to become one ???

omg i wish they’d just LEAVE ME ALONE.

just let me eat whatever i want, blog whatever i did, let my body grow/shrink naturally however it wants to, WHATEVER, ALRIGHT?!
omg.

i’m sick and tired of such comments. if you’re going to comment on how i look or how much i should weigh, SAVE IT.
seriously.

SAVE IT.

and the weird thing’s that, do you see so many taggers in an obese girl’s blog saying she would look better skinny, or running her down, or calling her eating disorder sickness and shit?
then the skinnier people get all the shit, like “you should eat more, are you aneroxic, you have chew-spit disoder right, you don’t eat whatever you blog right those are just for show”

omg puhleeze. why would i want to blog about FAKE stuff, stuff i don’t eat, stuff i don’t do?! then what’s the point of blogging?
my god.

and for your info, whatever food pictures i post, they’re just a small PART of what i’ve actually consumed. like i won’t take picture of every single piece of biscuit or bread right? and i don’t post every single thing i eat or every single meal i had anyway. its just a part of everything.
and for those who don’t think i actually eat, i even have a video of me eating (took it just for fun and wanted to see how i’d look when i pig out!)

you’re like fucking ridiculous to even think of so many different kinds of disorders to say about me. seriously, you’ve got too much time to spare?

if you don’t know me personally, SHUT THE FUCK UP. seriously.

in case you don’t know, here are some facts.
i’ve been eating alot SINCE LONG AGO. my dad buys alot of food and i have no lack of food to eat.
i was underweight when i was a kid till secondary one. (my mom used to want to reward me if i put on weight in primary school)
until secondary two i got into a minor depression which might have caused the metabolic rate to drop or sth i still ate shitloads but i gained and gained so i was more of very healthy looking (you can say chubby if you want)
then after that (which is the becoming slimmer part) it’s probably the twitching of the metabolic rate again? (i still eat ALOT) i don’t fucking know why what how but if my body wants to lose weight then just fucking let it alright.

if you wanna say i “lost weight”, i’d beg to differ and say i’ve just “reverted” back to where i started. so i didn’t gain nor lose. i’m just back to where i was.
(the way i was before the minor depression i suppose?)

for people who know me well or personally they would understand everything about my lifestyle and how much i can eat and blah blah blah.

for ignorant fools just shut the fuck up and mind your own business if you don’t know my lifestyle just shut up.

anyway i’d appreciate it if you sick people just leave me alone and stop saying i’ve got eating disorders.
you’re probably the ones with the disorders since you know so much about it that you wanna go round educating people about it?

I”M NOT IN THE LEAST INTERESTED IN THESE DISORDERS so stop giving me free lessons

THANK YOU.

idk y yer sucking up to me just right before my trip, but dont expect me to get u anything. yeah i see through people with motives most easily and yer definitely one who ALWAYS ASKS/hints for presents :)

fyi, i dont even have enough money to spend on myself and idk if i have the means to even survive there. much less get presents for anyone.
plus theres nothing to shop there anyway. unless you want me to bring you back a museum.

anyway thanks to everyone else who wished me bon voyage (:
appreciate it.
i really hope this would be a good trip for me.

do come back for updates (:

idk why my mom can’t be happy for me instead of doubting my capabilities and independence.

but you know what?

what i’m looking forward towards most about this trip is being AWAY from home. from people.

and i soo look forward to being alone.

no one to watch my moves, see what and how i eat, invade my privacy.

hopefully no one is going to look through my things and touch a single thing in my room.

mann i just left my laptop on and i can’t be there 24 hrs right?
i sleep on a loft bed and my laptops on my bed ALL THE TIME!
i can’t be staying up there all the time right
so if i’m online for 24 hrs you know you cant reach me there all the time because i’m prolly just “parking”
sigh so many people msn-ed me just now when i was away.
and when i get back they’re mostly offline.
so don’t get me wrong i wasn’t ignoring you.
(although in some cases when i’m obviously ignoring you, i deliberately change my nicks even after you msn me. please get the hint that i’m ignoring you and stop talking to me ^_^)

anyway sms me if there’s anything. really. SMS!

oh and another thing that annoys me’s that, when i get miss calls (which i ALWAYS DO, because my phone is on SILENT MODE like ALL THE TIME) and then i am a very lazy person so i can’t be bothered to call back right
so i would seriously appreciate sms-es instead of calls.

SMS.

thank you!
<3

im so fuggin full and bloated and angry.
i slept shitloads and woke up having this megahuge craving for ice cream
so i took ten bucks from my maid (thats all she’s got) and went out to get ice cream
so i saw this huge tub which costs only $4+ so i bought two tubs

one all-chocolate flavoured and another with vanilla and strawberry

don’t ever friggin buy the chocolate one no matter how badly yer craving for chocolate ice cream. yer gunna get sick of it after less than ten mouthfulls.

so obviously i didnt finish one tub.

for that chocolate tub i was so pissed cos it didn’t satisfy my craving one bit -_-”
i like my ice cream a little melted but this fuggin ice cream is fuggin gooey when melting and its fuggin gross to eat it alone.
so what did i do with that fuggin tub of ice cream.
i used it as a topping for jacobs plain biscuits.
i kinda dipped the biscuits into the tub of chocolate ice cream (i had them abit melted so its easier to eat)
so i was so fugging full cos i had tonnes of biscuits with ice cream.
i didnt take any pics cus i was too busy eating

and i had these too

some peanut butter sandwiched biscuits and cheese sandwiched biscuits you cant see clearly from the pic.

i’m so fuggin full and bloated i’m in suchhhhh a bad mood.

i shud’ve spent that bloody $8 on a tub of wall’s moo and satisfy my goddamn craving instead of wasting $10 on two tubs of ice cream that made me feel worst.

why the hell is wall’s moo so bloody expensive?

i’m so upset right now.

what a fuggin way to start my day.
fug.

i’m not going to waste money on food anymore.
gunna make do with whatever there is at home, finish em’ up and thats it. i’m not going to personally make a trip to any store and buy any fuggin thing.

period.

bloody hell i’m so annoyed by people who’re so concerned about what i eat.
when i eat junks, they ask me to eat proper meals.
when i eat lesser/healthier, they say eat more lah so skinny.
(firstly you don’t know how i eat at home, secondly i don’t like healthy food i’d rather save the space for junks)
whats wrong with people nowadays man.
i can eat tonnes of chocolates and only chocolates for the entire day!
i ate tonnes of durian chips 2 days straight for the entire day and it was so goddamn shiok because theres no one to care about what i eat :D
sigh i miss the thailand days when i ate what i want without being paranoid about people caring about what i eat!
i hate how my maid always peeps at what i’m eating, the disgusted look on her face when she saw the way i eat, and how she always cooks my favourite foods for dinner AFTER i’ve bought takeouts or ordered deliveries or ate a tonne before dinner because i was too hungry to wait for her to cook. dammit fucking bitch you’re so wasting good food.
okay maybe i’m paranoid but i hate it when people try to find out what i’m eating then who knows whats on their minds right.

oh
i hate it when people me out just for a meal (a meal at a diner’s is NEVER ENOUGH to satisfy me, thats why i always reject and ask you out for other activities instead) its a total waste of money just to go out to eat like that -_-”

sigh i spent my last few dollars on grocery junk food.
i’m going to have to eat my stupid maid foods until i get more money :S

had roti prata just now with jackson after mustafa! (okay i had roti pratas while he just had a drink)
omfg i had like 6 servings of curry for my egg pratas. madness i’m still so bloody bloated.

spent like $120 at mustafa :S

i figure i need 1k a month for allowance.
see, say i budget budget spend about $10 a day for food which is $300 already. then transport like prolly $50 at least. then say i get 5 local magazines and 7 overseas magazines prolly adds up to another hundred fifty. then i go grocery shopping i can spend like another hundred. that totals up to $600 for basics. then waddabout shopping, entertainment and stuff. i can blow like $300 at a single boutique.
i haven’t done any apparel shopping in a longgggg time now. so fuggin frustrating right? cus i’ve been spending all my money on household stuff and magazines and such.
i so fuggin wanna kill myself. why am i so bloody poor. i don’t only wanna be born with a silver spoon. i wanna be born with a crystal spoon. with diamonds would be nice.
i’m such a burden.
mom’s in malaysia. again.
i can sense she’s real unhappy with the way i’m spending money or leading my life. well i’m sorry i’m such a disappointment and shit aite.
facing this shit makes me feel worthless and makes me wanna kill myself.
i passed her the credit card application so bloody long ago and she’s taking forever to get it done (i figure she just wanna drag until she “forgets” about it then give excuses like oh not that i didn’t go, they’re just taking forever to answer my enquiries and shit) like she always does.
guess where i learnt to lie. from my mom.
i’m not a liar. i hate liars. i grew up having to face excuses and lies. what does that make me become.
full of shit really.
i cannot count how many times she’s lied to me, how many excuses she’s given, how many times she’s disappointed me.
but well, what can i ask for, really. afterall I AM a disappointment too.
but come to think of it, i’ve become what i am because of how i was brought up, doncha agree?
heh.
i LOVE my life, really.

fuck it.

all i wanna do now is to make myself happier. as much as i can.
there’s nothing much that’s holding me together really. i’m gunnaa break down anytime.

i’ve been nothing but depressed the past months.
nothing really made me happy.

i’ve driven away people who CAN make me feel a lil better.

i dreamt about the one i could have counted on but chased away.

i closed all doors on my friends and wanted to be alone.

i don’t know what makes of me now.

fuck i’m ranting like a motherfuckin shit. prolly cus it’s 9am. and i haven’t slept a wink.

aite bye.

aite just an update.

everything’s in a big mess.

i almost lost control. (the breathing technique kinda came in handy now)
or i’d end up in cuts and blood.

i hate myself.
i hate everything.

i was in a terrible mood.
i blew my top at my maid today, for the first time. i can’t deny my temper was a tad too fiery and it was kinda on impulse. but i’ve been suppressing for way too long to keep it in anymore.

i can’t talk to anyone nicely anymore. so just leave me alone. it’s not that i don’t like you, it’s just me. i just need some space.

i wish everyone’d forget that i exist. i just wanna be “AWAY” for a period of time y’know?
gahh.

i’m so fuggin pissed i just had chocolate walnut cake (without the walnut) now i can’t sleep.
i should’ve just gone to shower then go to bed.
now with all that sugar running in me how the fuck i get to bed.
nidda work tmr.
and like i’m so fuggin in a bad mood some people have to piss me off further.
fuck i wanna take a cleaver and go round chopping people up.

i spent all my cash on junk food. can you believe what a glutten i am. omg.
and i hate it when people deliberately check out what i eat.
just now in the living room my mom was like peering and looking at what i was eating and i got so irritated. i was eating cheese pancakes from mr.bean after my oreos. quite nice if there’s more cheese.
then my colleagues like to probe what i buy back to eat at work too.
i get this too friggin often. if its too fattening people’ll give me a weird look or say “not scared fat?” or say “wah later you put on weight”. then if its healthy people will say “wah you on a diet ah?”. like what the fuck is wrong with people nowadays.

hence i’ve decided to stay away and eat alone from now on.

anyway i think i’m gunna be diabetic sooner or later :S my dad has some slight diabetic symptoms so he’s been watching his sugar level.. and if its hereditary i’m sooo gonna get it.
i can’t live a single day without sugar. i can live without salt but i can never last a day without sugar =\
i can literally live on sugar.

okay anyway i’m still hooked on oreos. but now i buy the bite-size mini oreos!
then i’m off those frequent sodas and i’m hooked on A&W root beer. lmao.
then nowadays i’m into aloe vera drinks :S
okay i’m going grocery shopping tomorrow. (claiming money from mom of course.. i’m broke from all that junkfood shopping)

i really like this bag at this shop i’m working at. :S i can’t believe i spent my money on junk food instead of saving on shopping. fuck i’m mad at myself. must work more.

bibi’s sleeping with me now and i think she’s farting because i smell sth.

gotta wake up early tomorrow :S
i can’t sleep with all that sugar and energy i’ve consumed.
my mom’s so cute. she eats ice cream still, at her age. LOL. we had ice cream together just now. i thought women her age are more health and weight conscious.. hmm. she seemed to have loosened up alot these days.

ahhh i need to sleeeeeeep…
maybe i shud just pop a sleeping aid =\ but i was gonna save it for friday tho.. cus i gotta wake up early on saturday..
why’s it sooooo hard to sleep nowadays..

anyway..
10 MORE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
can’t wait can’t wait.

stop asking me how’s life, how’s this and how’s that. can i just tell you i’m sick and tired of people asking?
i’m not tryna be rude but seriously.. i don’t feel like answering it anymore.

i appreciate your concern.. really. but i’m tired of answering.

anyway..
thanks cal for the cheese macoroni.. (:
though a short meeting.. glad we caught up
sorry i was pretty moody..

maybe i just haven’t recovered totally from my suicidal phase.
some nights i still think of wanting to die..
i hate it when night falls..

anyway chris brought me to an interview at harbourfront today after dinner, starting work this saturday!
then maybe work for one or 2 more days until my thai trip.
not gonna work at comex anymore cus i’ll be flying off on the last day. might be a good thing actually.. i can’t imagine myself standing on heels for so many hours for 3 days straight!
(i almost died at bugis’s roadshow that day :X i sat down 1/2 the time and got paid $120 for 8 hours in total still! i feel so bad tho..)

okay look me up on saturday if yer free.. its at harbourfront centre opposite jean yip.

complaining and bitching about that fucked up maid of mine.

seriously she gotta get her brains checked, like who’s the boss dude?
fuck it thinking about her makes my blood boil -_-”

garhhh

anyway i finally caught meet the robinsons. lol yeah the dvd that i got wayyyy back. reminds me of that flick “robots”

barbi barbi barbi
here’re the two fattybomboms who love to eat and sleep - big time!

and imma severely dehydrated.
omg
but okay cool this’s the first time i drank so much without puking.
okay alcohol really depreciates my memory.
gah gah gah gah gah -.-
then i woke up feeling hungry. ate. then slept again. wtf.
yeah you’re all right to call me fat. fuggerrrrrrrrrrrrr i ate so much yesterday somemore. mcnuggets.. fries.. curry.. lots of sweet drinks.. those tha killers man.
bah bah black sheep have you any wool
alcohol belly lahhhhhhh
i’ve got a bikini shoot tmr i’m so fuggin fat please kill me.
KILL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE