melicacy

and i’m not ready for it

my dad accompanied me to cityhall area to take photos for schoolwork yesterday
it’s nice having him around. he was the one holding the map and leading me LOL

okay too many to upload. printed like about 100 pics i think. selected from 300 pics. like omgz rightz.

spent the night uploading and choosing pics to print
and then my dad got them printed for me and passed me in school today to hand in

what will i do without my wonderful daddy (:

(omg i could use some sleep right now but 20 more mins before i need to head out for my next class)

sigh i don’t like tuesdays ):
and i hate thursdays.

who has 3d studio max?
i think i need a windows laptop soon. (looking at netbooks… any to recommend?)

thai prepaid sim card & cellphone; coco crunch; breakfast - noodles, fruits, eggs, sausages, porridge, juice; ‘burberry’ cabbie

the week ended off in dismal.
i really don’t wanna talk about it.

i hate the fact that my mom’s frequent trips overseas is making me feel that i can live without her love.

i hate how i get paranoid about people disliking/hating me.
there’s so much i hate about myself, i’m certain there’s much more others hate about me.

randomsss

things i like about school/going to school

-most lecturers here are nicer than any other lecturers who’ve taught me in the previous tertiary schools i’ve been to
-my dad’s around to help me ’store’ my huge projects in his office that i’m lazy to bring home
-most morning days my mom sends me to school (if she’s in sg), so i like going to school for that. sometimes she holds my hand while she drives, as though she knows i’m going to die soon

things i dislike about going to school

-the freezing aircon temperature which makes it unbearable to sit through the entire lesson. (makes me chant chant chant wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home)
-when my mom isn’t free/around to send me to school, i friggin dread walking to take a bus to school. and the friggin waiting time is so friggin long.
i hate walking the same few routes to/fro. fyi i already tried the different routes possible and i’m getting so sick and tired fucking shit.
-and i HATE it soooo sooooo much more waiting for the bus to get home. bloodyhell.

things that would make me go to school more:

-timetable with shorter days
-aircon temperature turned up (eco-friendly, conserve electricity and keep warm!)
-an apartment just across school
-or my mom to send me to school and back home everyday (dream on.)
-or a chauffeur

blah blah blah

so i was looking through old files…….
so much memories..
so much changes…

then i had this folder.. ‘dear’

found……

i miss her so much…… :…(

:…(

:…(

:…(

:…(

i’m so damn messed up.

i hate myself.

if only..

if only….

reasons why i haven’t been updating:
-no time (the all time usual excuse everyone gives)
-the state of my laptop turns me off
-the keyboard’s much more fucked up now that even more keys are malfunctioning
-maybe i’m just feeling way too miserable in my own miserable life that i can’t be bothered to update
-or maybe i just didn’t want anyone to know what’s going on.

what’s been going on since my last update
-nothing much, really.

on my mental calendar:
-xiany’s turned twenty (:
-paul’s turned twenty too!
-new school term
-loans to pay

what else i’ve been doing
-staying home, alot. (the only times i ever step out of the house is either when i’m not lazy to go to school, to the dentist, or to get more grocery)
-couch potato-ing
-still spending shitloads on grocery (daily consumption from $50 up to $100)

couch potato-ing,
-i always switch to disney channel for comfort
-i’m diggin that’s so raven (even though i’ve watched every single episode- they’re always on repeats)
-other stuff on disney channel i catch are totally spies, martin mystery, …
-currently hooked on channel 55’s dicey business
-other series i do watch on 55 are heaven-in-law’s, welcome to the house, ..
-i like small space big style; airs on mediacorp 5 everyday 11.30am (i hate it when i keep missing it)
-spongebob squarepants are repeating all the time but sometimes i just watch for comfort
-project runway (i miss it all the time too)
-and the random movies on hbo and star movies
-to sum it up, i’ve really been a mega lazy couch potato.

who have i been hanging out with:
-no one, for real. (apart from the people at home which i pretty much do not have a choice. else, i’d rather be loving the times alone)

what i’ve been gorging myself with on a daily basis these days:
-indulging in lots of ice cream; comfort food
-home made ‘pizzas’
-jars of kaya
-loafs of bread
-lots of butter

i find comfort in food. and i have to have something in my mouth as long as i’m on the tv, so basically i just eat all the time. food’s the only thing that makes me feel better. the only thing i can turn to. because thats the only thing my mom’s willing to give money for, so yeah. no retail therapy.
-and i bet your ass off that you are going to be happy to see this, that i have put on weight. lol. serve me right for never stopping when i’m full. you must be gloating now :p
but its okay, because i’m mostly home so you won’t get to spot me with my pregnant belly.

i seem to be getting worst at communication.
it’s pretty hard for me to engage in conversations, much less continue one. (not that i’m arrogant or stuck-up)
-i cant even communicate with my family anymore.
maybe i have been keeping myself away from people for way too long.
and i’ve never been one who makes eye contacts, much less now.
nowadays i just always have the shortest conversations because its hard for me to continue any conversation, as much as i wanted to.

things i ought to raise money for:
-funds for a short getaway trip
-olympus 850
-macbook air
-8mm peleng
(just to name a few)

anyway..
i might make my blog all private.. i don’t know…
shall see how things goes..
if i’m still comfortable with going public about my miserable life, posting amateur-ish pictures that don’t mean a thing, having people judge me, and stuff like that..
oh wells….

i wish i could find the other half who shares the exact sentiments and passion..
someone who finishes my sentences..
someone who understands.

i would never settle for second best…….
i’d rather be alone.

i’m becoming super fair ):
i needa sunbathe.
(if only i was rich enough to buy a tanning bed)

-is to play… forever.

welcome

barbi!

candid

US!

testing camera again

(HOW YOU TEST YOUR CAMERA ONE???)

9.40a.m
just woke up… found toilet in a mess.. room in a bigger mess..
what the hell did i do last night… lol

(accidental shots)

i’ll fill you guys in when i’m back….. i’ve got a long day today.. :(

- z o m b i e -

reply to gek’s msn: sorry i was sleeping when you msn-ed me! mlm is multi-level-marketing, like they find downlines and they do sales stuff and listen to boring talks and find more downlines.. zz

(warning: cell quality)

i hate it when i accidentally activate my cellphone’s camera. maybe that explains why my battery flats out so quickly.
but the keylock’s soo inconvenient. :(
anyway the good thing’s that, i am usually pleasantly surprised by interesting shots that “appear” in my cellphone. maybe i should set up an photoblog solely for those accidental shots. think it’ll portray the ongoings in my life better than what i’ve been blogging over here. LOL

aite random photos come with random ramblings.

-mom said to POLISH bicycle because she didn’t want to buy me a new one. how ridiculous is that?!?!?!? she doesn’t want to spend a single cent on me now. forget it @*&#^@(*#^*
-i feel weird seeing her around. (i’ve been waking up early these days! or rather, not sleeping alot)
-i dreamt about jesus punishing me for being an atheist. (right after the night i posted in my LJ :X)
-i saw a KiKi that looked like KiKi.. and i miss him so…………… :(
-gonna try out portraiture shoots. nude models are most welcome! (haha!)
-gonna paint one(or maybe 2) sides of my walls soon! volunteers are most welcome!!
-gonna buy my own macbook, bicycle, external flash. (i can’t talk to my mom about what i want anymore. we can’t communicate no more i swear.)
-friggin shows attitude deserves to be ignored. i won’t tolerate no nonsense. we can’t communicate no more.
-amin’s lending me his tripod, so i suppose i’ll be motivated to take more pictures! :D maybe i’ll take my fisheye2 for a long-exposure night shoot!
-i hate spies. freaks me out.
-i’m still loving tanned skins. got to tan. got to tan.
-can’t wait to complete my tattoos!
-my mom loves me differently now. i’m just a puppet out of control, that she decides to chuck aside.
-i can’t wait to go tanning!
-my chest hurts.
-best thing to look forward to these few days.. IS XIANY’S RETURN!!!!!!!!! omgomgomg she’s finally coming back! time flies or what? :D
-eyebags getting heavier. need to remove. need to remove.
-ishi’s being missed by all..
-i had LAYS chips and MAMEE noodle snacks today for all my meals. i even ditched my favourite foods for all that. talk about craving yo.
-supposed to go ikea. but my maid’s been having serious fuggin attitude problem big time. (can people stop showing me attitude already??!?! LIKE I”M NOT VEXED ENOUGH!?!?)
-i got back pictures from the action sampler. lovin’ them, and MUST GO TAKE MORE. :)
-I CAN”T WAIT TO GO TANNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay bye.