melicacy

i feel like i’m letting my parents down all the time.
ever since primary school i was always a disappointment. back then, it was because i had a smart sister who scores well in school. then moving on to PSLE, she scored almost 260 and i’m a mere 216. she moved on to an independent girls’ school while i got to a neighborhood school with bengs and lians. then i barely made it to O levels due to attendance but thank god i managed to struggle my way there. my sis got a single digit L1R5 while i scored a 14 for L1R4.
i didn’t feel that bad because i was happy that my sister could do my parents proud.

but i HATE the feeling of disappointment. whether i’m disappointing someone or whether i’m disappointed in something i just hate that friggin word.

the first time my dad had a taste of my ‘panic attack’ i bet i scared him shitless. (there was one day my mom and i had a huge ‘fight’ going on i can’t remember exactly but yeah, so i went home venting my anger in every possible way, screaming and shouting and slamming stuff and i think i self-injured myself that day too) i think it was then he realized how serious my depression was. so i guess he’s been trying to help me with it all these while, forwarding encouraging emails, asking me to go out, reminding me to take things easy all the time. he knows. he knows there’s something wrong with me psychologically but he’d not talk directly about my depression nor push me into ‘recovery’ because once you get into the mental institute you’d definitely be judged a nutcase from then on.
then again i know that it’s a matter of time before i drive myself insane. all he does is try to make me feel better about myself.
i’m thankful for great parents but i can’t help but feel like i’m just a complete wreck.

i’m just ranting because it’s been an emotional week of tears and more tears.
i don’t know why i cry so goddamn easily.

speaking of tears, i’ve watched Marley & Me 6 times and i’ve cried all 6 times especially from the scene where Marley was lying in the clinic, sick, and about to be put to sleep. i can soo empathize with the feelings of his family ):

at my mother’s mother’s house.

with esmond, our yearly meet-up! lunar new year keeps us in contact after so many years (:

went to my mom’s side and dad’s side today.
other than enjoying the food idk how/why this festive is being celebrated
and i spoke less than 10 words in my grandma and big-aunt’s place but its not because i’m rude or proud or whatever? i just don’t know how to converse and.. i think i’m dislikable :/ my mom’s sister and cousin seem to dislike me.
but i love my big aunt (dad’s eldest sis) she’s the best aunt ever (: she reminds me so much of my grandma (her mom)
my other aunts have always favored my sis over me since young.
and this year my sis’s not in singapore so it was just awkward silence.

i feel like a pampered spoilt brat :/

so just now mom kept asking me to go shopping when i locked myself in my room crying. she’s been outside my door trying to console me, encourage me. she still has so much confidence in me despite me letting her down again and again..
after calming down i washed up and we went out
she just bought whatever i fancied without looking at the price tag. when i was browsing she just asked if i wanted it and it’s mine.
and she kept saying i’m her lucky star like when we were able to get a carpark lot easily near the lift despite the crowd (but i know she’s just trying to console me and trying to make me feel important so i won’t attempt suicide) i hate it when she says that because at times when we can’t find a lot I FEEL LIKE A FRIGGIN UNLUCKY JINX ):
i know she’s trying to console me but deep down inside i still hate myself.
so she bought me stuff trying to cheer me up
but there’s like nothing much i fancy anyway. the whole day at taka/wisma i just bought items from miss selfridge and GUESS?
in the end i wanted to go home because i can’t think of anywhere else we can shop at anymore after combing the entire orchard in 3 separate trips. she kept suggesting places to go like i haven’t shopped enough? but i don’t know what i want to buy either :S
then we ended up at marks & spencer and carrefour
bought lotsa yummies (: i think grocery shopping’s the best retail therapy ever. $100 spent on grocery cheered me up more than spending $300 at GUESS?

then we went to fetch my dad from work.

and i just found out that all along my dad knew about my bad behavior in school.. (LIKE LEAVING THE CLASS EARLIER THAN DISMISSAL TIME) like most recently one lecturer complained about my bad behavior to someone and that someone told my dad about it.. so he knew about it yet he didn’t mention a thing to me.. he didn’t lecture me nor question me.. he kept quiet about it until today when he saw how depressed i was.. but he just told me to stay calm and not throw my “MISSY TEMPER” in school unlike at home when i can do whatever pleases me. (LIKE OMG HE ACTUALLY SAID THATTTTTTTTTTTT but he didn’t ask me not to throw temper at home LOL)
i feel like a fool. he knew about my bad behavior all along and he just didn’t mention. like he has spies. (omg?)

i think i have the best parents ever. they don’t lecture me and they’ve never punished me. the first person who’s ever beaten me WAS MY PRIMARY SCHOOL CHINESE TEACHER I WILL REMEMBER HER FOR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!! she used a ruler to hit my hand like omg??? old school but yeah i think its kinda ILLEGAL for teachers to do that now? hah.
growing up like that, protected and people always giving in to me, i can’t adapt well to situations when people oppose me. that’s why i get so frustrated and defensive.
i don’t expect people to give in to me anyway because nobody owes me anything. its just that i get frustrated so just leave me alone?????????????

rahhhhhhhh

its just one of those days when i just have so much on my mind…

let’s start with the train ride.
it’s been like months since i last took a train to town and i’ve been getting stares which made me feel extremely out of place and uncomfortable.
i know i don’t blend in very much with the crowd but… what’s wrong with me???
okay people probably think i’m too skinny, what else?
i hate it when the word ugly keeps appearing in my head. i hate being ugly and i hate being judged.
i really wanna know what’s on their mind and why they’re staring.
the entire train ride was a torture.
i hate public transport ):
and i happened to stand in-front of an uncouth nose-digging loser. and encountered a middle-aged (probably jobless) dude rushing for the empty seat across the jam-packed cabin.
is that just a typical mrt scene nowadays, am i being too discriminating?
because i never want to take the mrt and experience all that again ):

next topic.. my wonderful dad.
i’m kinda thankful that my dad accepts me for who i am.. he’s like.. really nice?
seeing his daughter getting inked, rebellious and rude, and still looks forward to going for outings together.. he doesn’t judge me.. and he knows i lack discipline but he doesn’t make me feel bad about myself..
like that day before he left for penang he was saying he saw a letter from the army for me (yeah i guess they mass-sent it to whoever whatever) then he jokingly said that i sure “cannot make it” because of discipline (or rather, the lack of).
his tone was not the typical lecturing tone when “YOU LACK DISCIPLINE NOW IT”S TIME FOR ME TO TEACH YOU SOME MANNERS” kinda attitude..
he’s always giving me the forgiving and accepting tone.
i guess he wants me to learn by my mistakes and grow from them myself..
i feel so guilty because i’m such a horrible daughter.
sigh nvm.

i have a problem with making friends.. because i’m not very outspoken and i don’t interact much with people..
so some people may think that i’m anti-social or unfriendly or unapproachable?
i have fears of rejection and etc etc issues
and i have this problem since i was little. i was the shy and quiet kid who’d hide behind my mother on every family event. then i was the intimidated primary school kid who’s afraid to do anything LOUD lest i grab any unwanted attention.
i’ve always been afraid of whether i’d be accepted by my peers. in primary school i was worrying about whether my sister will choose her friends over me, till secondary school worrying about whether my friends will find me a bore when we go out, whether they’d choose other friends over me because of our preferences/etc.
i have fears of going out alone with a single friend because i’m afraid i’ll be such a bore that there’ll be awkward silent moments when we have nothing to talk about.

in secondary school when i just entered i was trying to fit in by learning how to speak mandarin because everyone speaks mandarin. i was laughed at because of my wrong pronunciation/etc. then later i found that most of my secondary school mates lived in hdb flats and i was so afraid to disclose my address because i was afraid to be different. i started being rebellious and stopped taking my parent’s car to school because all my friends take public transport to school.
i did not want my schoolmates to think that i’m richer just because i stay in a bigger place or something like that (because i totally am not rich at all!) and i didn’t want them to take advantage of me either. i’ve always been wary of people trying to take advantage of me that’s why there’s always this barrier.
in the end after trying hard to blend in, i think i finally did “become” one of them. but come to think of it now, i totally regretted because that wasn’t who i am at all. and i’d become someone i do not even recognize. after graduating, i guess i automatically forsook that “character” and became more “myself”, also because i matured and managed to straighten out my thinkings.
so after the whole secondary school ordeal i decided to just be myself. but i guess the real me isn’t well-liked at all. (lol)
but whatever it is, i’d rather be rejected than try to be someone else just to be accepted.

i’m thankful that now i have an awesome buddy who understands me and accepts me for who i am (:
i have the worst attitude and temper in the whole wide world but she bears no grudges because she knows i don’t mean it. she’s the most forgiving and enduring person i’ve ever met!
even when another classmate asked how “how can you stand melissa?! she’s so @*&#^@*”
she stood by me :)

i’ve always been trying to keep my temper, control it, whatever. but when it happens.. it happens… (i even scream at my mother I HATE HER so many times but do i really mean it?!)
i just can’t control my emotions that’s why i always say/do things i don’t mean when triggered.

i guess that’s why i’ve scared so many people out of my life.

maybe i’m just a horrible friend to begin with… and if no one likes me.. i’m just gonna.. be alone ):

anesthesia causes depression?
or is it the aftermath of surgery that causes depression? (the swelling/etc)

there’re so many factors in my life that’s causing all that depression and i’m hunting them down.
1) family relationships
2) MAID (i don’t even wanna talk about it)
3) self-esteem
4) ego
5) okay basically my whole mindset is totally screwed
6) bouts and bouts of anesthesia? (i think i’ve been injected more than 5 times thus far)
7) aftermath of surgery (the swelling depresses me most. pain is secondary)
8) money

i typed a whole lot of crap but i figure it should be kept in a private post.
blah.
TMI.
byee..

“mel’s such a spoilt brat”
“she has such a horrible temper”
“she is blunt and too straightforward”
“she never hides her anger”
“she’s so grumpy”
“why do people have to give in to her all the time”
“she complains about everything that doesn’t go her way”
“she’s selfish”
“she only thinks of herself”
“she always wants the best to herself”
“she never cares about anyone or anything not related to her”
“she’s heartless”
(and whatever else others think of me)

no wonder she doesn’t have any friends.
no wonder her mother finds it a chore to support her.
no wonder she deserves to just die.

every time i try to kill myself it’s always because my mom and i have an argument.
i don’t know why i’m still alive, because i really want to die.
today it was because of money (again?).
she gave me $100 for grocery shopping (while she waited in the car) and the bill came up to $106 (even after careful picking of items to make sure i’m under the $100 mark). i had to take out items from the bags at the cashier just to have enough to pay. how embarrassing. i threw my temper when i got back to the car. and she kept yelling at how much i’m spending on junk food. yeah and she just friggin triggered my anxiety.
i had an anxiety attack.
i came home ran straight to my room slammed the door and vented my frustrations.
i don’t know when but if this goes on, one of the anxiety attacks’ gonna really get me killed.
maybe then i’ll be free.
free from all that misery.

i hate how she’s treating me.
she knows i have psychological problems but she’s gonna make things worsen by agitating me? by making me feel more hopeless and useless?

i seek comfort in junkfood and if she’s going to take that privilege away from me, there’s no comfort in life, there’s nothing that’s gonna keep me away from death.
she just wants me to be healthy? but if i’m healthy but miserable?

-i ruined my ibook. now it’s totally dead.
-i’m bruised again.
-i can’t stop hurting myself when the anxiety attacks kick in
-i can’t control myself anymore
-crying doesn’t help. i’m just getting myself more swelled up.
-i can’t stop hating myself
-i can’t stop hating everything
-i can’t stop..

i hate rejection… hate being abandoned… hate people talking behind my back… hate the thought of people disliking me..
why can’t i just be.. invisible.. ):
or maybe i just shouldn’t.. exist..

it’s weird how i’m doing things i’ve never liked/never considered/thought of attempting in my younger days.

when i was young i never thought i’d ever step foot into a market. (think wet slippery dirty smelly)
but i was so looking forward to visiting various markets in aust!

when i was young i never thought i’d ever cook.
then i started cooking my first maggie mee in my late teens. and now i’m cooking every single day!

and time’s passing too damn quickly. i really don’t want to turn 21 :(
i shall delude myself and pretend my birthday’s never gonna happen.
): ): ):

3 days 3 nights of tears
how much more tears do i have..

stop….. stop

bruises all over.
knees. elbow. hip. back.

when will all the miseries ever end..

stranded.

which will end in no time

i wish time didn’t have to pass so quickly

why is it so hard to forget someone,
yet when you do so easily, you’re being labelled as heartless?
i can’t help but feel emotional.
i was packing my stuff, and came across bibi’s photos again.
its so hard to forget all the memories with her
i really want to forget, thus making me feel less miserable.
but if i really do, i’m just another heartless jerk.

):

cried myself to sleep last night, woke up with extremely swollen eyes.

i am scared.

the week ended off in dismal.
i really don’t wanna talk about it.

i hate the fact that my mom’s frequent trips overseas is making me feel that i can live without her love.

i hate how i get paranoid about people disliking/hating me.
there’s so much i hate about myself, i’m certain there’s much more others hate about me.

):

):

mom was free today
while in the mall, i wanted to get a jacket, a really comfy cosy one..
browsed around couple of shops, went to timerland, tried on, then i saw the price tag omg $250. my mom didn’t even ask for the price she just asked if i wanted it :/
it looked too simple to cost $250, so decided to look around for more choices.
i ended up with a $200 one, damn comfy! but still a tad too pricey for a simple jacket? idk but my mom just signed for it without complaining, just as long as i liked it :/
i feel like sucha loserish freeloader ):
sigh
but that’s gonna be my favourite jacket from now on (:
looks like a typical timberland urban country-ish jacket but the inside its damn damn damn damn comfy like wooly! i can soo feel my mommy’s love when i wear the jacket. lol

my mom agreed to get me a macbook without hesitation when i complained about the state of my ibook.. (couple months back)
but why do i still keep hesitating if i should get it..
it’s always been on my want list.. since like forever. and i ought to get all hyped up and impatient and rushing her to get it but all that’s been going on was procrastination.
i did not even speak to her about it again ever since.
i just feel that i don’t deserve to get it from her.. fucking shit i already feel damn guilty of being a useless wreck spending so much money everyday and now alot of money at a go urgh.
i can’t even source for better macbook deals so as to lighten my guilt. fucking shit.
i’m so fucking useless.

what i do everyday, is what i find comfort in. and if my freedom and ability to do so gets obstructed, i get so frustrated, thoughts of death will just keep ringing in my head like a broken alarm.
i guess thats why i get so pissed whenever my mom questions or interferes in whatever i’m doing.
i get extremely paranoid even when she’s just peering at me when i’m watching tv at the couch. paranoid about what she’d think about me, like what a loser i am being sucha couch potato all day long and stuff like that.
yeah i get extremely paranoid about people watching my move.
i need my space. and if anyone takes that away from me, i don’t know what’s gonna keep me alive anymore.
i know i’m detestable. i don’t hate myself any lesser than any of you do.

24 Sep 08, 03:37
Sab: maybe you shud just try sleep thru it and keep those thoughts out of bounds. u’ll feel better. takkares
24 Sep 08, 03:36
Sab: its amazing how much i understand what you’re going thru. i’m in a similiar situation. almost was a bipolar candidate. but i slept thru for a whole 18 hours n my mine is blank. which is good.

to sab: it’s a good thing you don’t have insomnia… :/

24 Sep 08, 02:44
clara: PS: i lost ur number and i couldn’t inform u that i can’t go to BKK =( But i’m making plans for Jan.. Lemme know then, if u can make it =))
24 Sep 08, 02:42
clara: i’m nt trying to lecture u or preach. i really understand how u feel and i wish to help. If someday u need someone, maybe u can keep me in the long list of ppl who loves u. U’ve my msn =)
24 Sep 08, 02:37
clara: No wealth is enough for u to spend. U r my fave blogger. i long to see u wake up and stand on ur feet. I’ve been thru all u are gg thru and worst. Trust me, life can be very beautiful if u want .
24 Sep 08, 02:34
clara: if u dream of travelling, den work for it, earn the right to enjoy. Who wants to wrk if we all can enjoy? Life is very short, cherish ur youth. Do you really wan to rot ur life away?

to clara: i don’t want to work.. and what’s the point of living if i’m doing something i don’t want to be doing.. i guess i’ve been nothing but a spoilt brat and i’ve grown too lazy over the years.

23 Sep 08, 23:18
cheryl: don’t you think you’re being very selfish?

to cheryl: i have never denied being selfish. i don’t deserve to live. and i would be more selfish to continue living and being a burden to my parents and giving them so much pain. they would be better off without me.. treat it as they never had me…..

23 Sep 08, 22:56
Grace: i miss the old you……

to grace: but i hate my past.. hate all that’s happened.. i never ever want to go back to how i was before.. i don’t even want to think about it.. :..(

dear mom
like every other parent, i’m sure you gave birth in hope that your children would be able to give you a good life after your retirement.
i’m sorry i’m such an utter disappointment, and the more i see you work so hard everyday, and the more i look at how i’m spending so much money eating and sleeping my life away, the more i think of just ending my life.
we had such a huge fight today and i really wanted to tell you this.
i want to end my life right now because i know i would be incapable of providing for you when you are old. rather than being a burden and leech off you, only for you to find that i’m such a useless wreck in the end, i’d rather just die.
i have no dream jobs, no goals. i do not want to get out to the big world and industry and slog away just to earn a living.
i do not want to start working.
i do not want to work.
all i want to do is to travel, do what i want, enjoy myself. and you are incapable of providing what i desire.
so we had a huge fight today and when i wanted to die, you said you would die with me.
but i guess you said that only because you had so much hopes for me and felt i could provide for you when you’re old. so my death would cause you to lose all that.
i really wanted to tell you that i’m sorry and as much as i want to, i can’t be able to provide for you.
if my living is nothing but a burden, i should might as well die.
i don’t know how long more i can hold on, but if one day i’m gone, this is why.

sorry for being unfilial
sorry for wasting so many of your years taking care of me
sorry for wasting so much of your money raising me
sorry for everything.

and i guess you would be disappointed to know, that since the day you bailed me when i was in secondary two, that wasn’t the end.
i thought i learnt my lesson, but i started doing it again.
and i got caught, again. but this time without the involvement of police and parents.
so nobody knew.
i was alone.
and from that day, i cooped myself at home every single day, afraid to go out lest i commit again.
that day was .. hell.
i came back, as though nothing happened.
but those images kept flashing, kept haunting me. and i can’t stop hating myself.
and it was so.. so.. painful to deal with it alone..
i hate going out.
thoughts of doing it again..
no.. i can’t go out..
i can’t..

so my mom’s in germany right now..

and i’m still stuck in singapore.

why is it so hard to find someone to fly with ):

whenever my mom goes overseas in the past, even on just a short road trip to malaysia, she would sms back pretty often.
not anymore..
not any sms from her till now….
i guess she thinks that i dislike her now, so she doesn’t bother to contact me anymore?
or she prolly leaves us too often enough to get use to not contacting anymore.

we ended things pretty roughly the day she flew off, so i guess that pretty much explains..

i don’t dislike her.. i just dislike the way she deals with situation.

i guess i’m just damn difficult to get along.

been surfing for travel deals but they’re mostly over my budget ):
i really really wanna have a good getaway.
i miss roaming around in a foreign city, taking random shots, searching my way with a handy map, learning to live their life, learning to take their public transports, ..
i wish i won a free ticket to somewhere ):
even a cruise trip would suffice.
i just want to have fun for the first time in a long time.
mom’s flying off to germany on the 12th.
i hate the thought of others having to spend more money than i am.

i hate the fact that i am broke.

and i hate the fact that my mom doesn’t even realise my bank account has been almost empty for a few months already.

i really want to say sorry and do something to make it up to you…
thats how i feel minutes after throwing a tantrum.
which happens almost everyday. (if we do meet at all)

finding faults with everything, everyone.
that’s all i ever do..
nothing’s ever enough, nothing’s ever good enough.

however irksome i see in someone else, the most detestable is indeed myself.

tell me how not to hate myself.

however hard he tries to make conversations, she remains aloof.. disinterested.. and sometimes showing signs of annoyance.

why can’t she see that he’s the best husband one can ever have, and the best dad one can ever be..

school’s been nothing but hectic. dragging myself outta bed everyday, going to school just only to countdown to go home.
out of 16 exercises from studio project class, i’ve barely completed 8.
looking at how diligent my mates were at doing those researches made me feel nothing but inferior and lazy.
i hate doing researches and having to print..
when my lecturer larry checked my file, he blatantly asked if i was going to give up again.. i was.. speechless.
the other lecturer shaun added : why melissa! you got so much potential why give up!
speechless again.
giving up is never an easy choice..
i do NOT want to give up…
especially here..
plus having my family rooting for me, encouraging me, WATCHING me (dad)..

okay enough of the ramblings
here’re some pics from our color studies outdoor studio

spot me :D

that’s my favourite hoodie from zara last winter season ): its so old now! i wish they still retail it.. i’d sooooo get it in every color available. its so damn comfy ):

so my mom took 2 days off her hectic schedule and decided to stay home this weekend and try to ‘bond’ with the family that she single-handedly ruined.
well its something that can be re-built in just a couple of days huh. easy huh. piece of cake huh.
well we were supposed to go buy ingredients to bake together but i ditched the plan and went out and she persisted on and sms-ed me if i wanted to go showrooms together and i just.. didn’t. i know how much it would upset her from the moment i told her i didnt wanna bake with her. well it was a difficult decision for me alright.
i deliberately stayed out most of my saturday.
drowned myself in suki sushi buffet.

(had great company paul <3 great catching up :D)

so sunday.
i decided to just stay home.
then this had to happen.
with a strict tone somehow like lecturing me 'this is your 3rd bowl already how can your stomach fit so much food'
yeah she wants to control how much i eat now ya?
fucking shit.
i eat that much 7 days a week, 30 days a month.
and out of the 30 days a month, this one and only particular day she happens to see me eat alot throughout the entire day. so she decided to try to lecture me about it.
how about the fucking other 29 days of the rest of the month.
let me gorge myself to death and know nothing about it?
so she knows nothing about my life and when she comes across something wrong then she start to ‘care’?!
she just isn’t fit to tell me what and what NOT to do anymore.
i argued back of course.
asking her not to interfere in how much i eat.
‘i’m your mother of course i want to care’
yo mama, you care about me 1 day out of 30 days a month. thanks ah.
well drama drama.
always ends with a cold war, which she will try to put to a stop by being extra nice back to make it up to me.
yeah so back to friggin square one when she shouldnt even have lectured me because
1. it doesn’t work
2. we end up in a cold war
3. she doesnt want me to dislike her
4. she tries to make it up to me as if it was her fault for lecturing me
what a dilemma.
it’s tough being a mom, not to even mention, my mom.
but it’s disheartening being her daughter.

i do not want to continue anymore.

this is teddy, my childhood sweetheart

<3

love this childhood munchy!
old times old times..
new products come up, old products get forgotten..
some even cease to produce anymore…

yurh a good reminder to self. i should just move on. stop getting ’stuck’ in this fucking phase. i’m only doing myself all the harm that i do not need. hah but yeah easier said than done.

so here’re my adorable classmates in hoodies (:

love chillin at the staff lounge! and i’ve got new company, chee kian (:
well minus the lunch-hour crowd though. middle-aged men making helluva noise playing games. not a very common scene, well for me at least.

skipped the last lesson on friday again.. damn i hated myself for doing that.. ended up sulking for the rest of the time at home. and spent even more money on food.

what am i to do with myself..
what am i to do..
sigh.

so my saturday afternoon was spent with my dad and sis at Sizzler’s!
a belated birthday lunch for my sis (:
been so long since we dined together.. glad that we did!

stayed from only 11.30am till 2-ish though..
not as worth it as the previous times that i went, many many rounds!
my dad and sis were full already and stopped and i would feel bad if i continued while they just wait and watch me eat somemore.. didnt wanna gross my dad out with how much food i can eat either :X
plus the toilet was flooded, quite gross, so i didn’t feel like enjoying food there anymore
would love to go again soon :D

well we took a bus there because my mom drove the car.
my dad had to pay by cash because my mom maxed out her supplementary card for their account.
we enjoyed our lunch because it didn’t seem like a missing person anyway. (my mom’s rarely around)

well so after lunch my sis went off first, then my dad and i took a bus back, went to lorong lew lian and bought somemore food back :D

tomorrow he’ll be marketing for steamboat ingredients and we’re gonna have steamboat for dinner (:
no one’s pinning any hope for my mom to be back for dinner, cus we know for sure she won’t.

came across this video….

been so long…

i miss her so much… so..so..much..

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