melicacy

woah its been like a month since i’ve updated.
reason being: i rarely use my laptop, or rather, i rarely use any computers anymore! (i know there’s a computer in school but i’m rarely in school :P) i’m always surfing from my iphone thus i’m updating twitter alot more!

my laptop’s super dusty!

anyways i’ve injured my toe
so here’s the story
i was cutting stuff on the floor with the penknife and used too much force and in goes the penknife into my toe :S
i was like super freaked out and limped to the other side of the living room with blood dripping and flesh hanging :S :S :S i didn’t know it was that bad till i saw how my toe was split open and detached.
i grabbed tissues and pressed my toe to close the gap and then i didn’t dare let go anymore lest the toe splits open again :..(
i was super freaked out and scared and then i laid on the sofa from 2am till 5-ish? didn’t dare move i was just hoping it’ll get better and by pressing i was hoping it’d stop bleeding
5-ish i went up to shower (i bandaged the tissues with plaster so i don’t have to hold onto my toe)
after showering i wanted to change the tissue and i freaked out even more when i saw so much blood and part of that toe’s still detached. how silly of me to think that the toe would go back by itself -_-” i couldn’t think straight anyway i was so freaked out right
my maid saw the traces of blood in the living room then she heard me crying i think then she asked “are you cutting your hand again?”
omgz okay so now i’m this suicidal problem kid in her eyes.
okay then i just told her i injured my toe then she kinda helped advise me a bit (so she ain’t that bad afterall..)
she said if its still bleeding at 7 i should see a doctor
so i went to bed first (still holding my toe)
then i posted on facebook asking for advice
aiman’s superrrrrr nice! he called me immediately!
okay so after all the scary infection warning and amputation warning i freaked out even more!
i fell asleep for like 2 hours before my mom came into the room
my maid told her about my cut so my mom’s taking me to the doctor (she wanted to see the wound but i was freaking out i didn’t dare let go of the tissue lest my toe opens up again OMGz)
okay so i limped all the way to the clinic
(my mom’s supposed to be at work but she called to make arrangement to go later :/)
okay then at the clinic i was given priority to jump queue
the doctor seems like she’s all flustered cos i was like so freaked out.. lol
then my mom was hugging me and comforting me and saying prayers like (god will take away your pain or something and all that) while doc’s doing my wound
had 5 stiches
they’re like “you’re very brave blablabla” BUT HELLO???? WHAT CAN I DO RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was crying in pain but i can’t ask them to stop right duhhhh
so my toe’s nicely bandaged

but it still bleeds at times

okay so 2 days later (just now) i went back for a follow-up. my dad brought me cos my mom’s gone to malaysia
and doc says my wound isn’t healing as well as she expected and i have to go a&e
she said i might have to cut the existing stitches and re-stitch (AND I BLOODY FREAKED OUT OKAY OMG that sounded so damn scary and i was like SUPERDUPER FREAKED.)
so she wrote a letter for the hospital and off i go to tan tock seng hospital.
paid $90 and waited 2 hours for consultation
and then they just brushed me off and say they can’t do anything for now because its not time to remove the stitches and then just cleaned up and re-bandaged my wound and ask me to go for a follow up in 3 days time.

my dad’s been buying birthday cakes every single year from bengawan solo EVER SINCE I WAS BORN its like a tradition already
i get it, its probably the “branded” cake shop in his era but after so many years obviously much better brands have been established and bengawan solo still remains as it was. i’m so sick and tired of bengawan solo birthday cakes they don’t even bother inventing new flavors its still the same old few. every year i get pissed off when they ask what cake i want because there isn’t much to choose from. and i HATE black forest cake, from anywhere/any shop. okay maybe i don’t hate it because i still love chocolate and whipped cream but i hate the combination of jam and cake.
next year i’m gonna be pissed off again because its still going to be bengawan solo I”M VERY CERTAIN ABOUT THIS. this is one reason why i hate birthdays. i even told my dad NOT to get me any cake yesterday when he asked what cake i wanted and i told him how sick and tired i am of their cakes. and that i hated black forest cakes.
BUT GUESS WHAT
HE STILL WENT TO BENGAWAN SOLO
but instead of the same few flavors he bought a “new” flavor that we haven’t tried before
-_-”

i just told him i didn’t want to cut the cake this year.

its mango and its not bad but i’d rather a cake from some place else. even a cheap cake from a neighborhood bakery like a normal chocolate sponge cake with tonnes of whipped cream would suffice.
i love cakes sooooo much i’m easily satisfied.
I JUST DON”T LIKE IT WHEN THEY CAN”T BE BOTHERED TO FIND OUT WHAT I REALLY LIKE AND THEN ASSUME THAT BENGAWAN SOLO IS THE BEST PLACE TO GET BIRTHDAY CAKES.

why can’t he just find out what i really want.
I HATE BENGAWAN SOLO BIRTHDAY CAKES.
I HATE BENGAWAN SOLO BIRTHDAY CAKES.
I HATE BENGAWAN SOLO BIRTHDAY CAKES.
I HATE BENGAWAN SOLO BIRTHDAY CAKES.
I HATE BENGAWAN SOLO BIRTHDAY CAKES.
I HATE BENGAWAN SOLO BIRTHDAY CAKES.
I HATE BENGAWAN SOLO BIRTHDAY CAKES.
I HATE BENGAWAN SOLO BIRTHDAY CAKES.
I HATE BENGAWAN SOLO BIRTHDAY CAKES.
I HATE BENGAWAN SOLO BIRTHDAY CAKES.
I HATE BENGAWAN SOLO BIRTHDAY CAKES.
I HATE BENGAWAN SOLO BIRTHDAY CAKES.
I HATE BENGAWAN SOLO BIRTHDAY CAKES.
every single year they just have to piss me off during my birthday.

maybe that’s why i’m so full of hatred. because every single year during my birthday I”M FULL OF HATRED.

anyhows, i finished the entire cake at one go. idk if its due to my emotional eating or simply because i don’t want to be reminded of it and my birthday anymore

1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour

1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour

the colleagues at other departments are sooo much nicer ):
everywhere else is better than where i am right now.

1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour 1 more hour

my boss was talking to another colleague asking to get some drawings done so he can get us INTERNS to work on it AT LOW COST.
was asked to “report” everyday before leaving the office and yesterday when i told him i’m going off he even asked if i can finish my work by friday (HINTING THAT I SHOULD OT TO MEET THE DEADLINE) when i already told him i can’t finish it because time was wasted getting autocad RE-INSTALLED. they should extend the deadline but instead, i was told we have to finish by 4pm today WHICH I TOTALLY WON”T ABIDE BY BECAUSE ITS NOT MY FRIGGIN FAULT TO BEGIN WITH.

i’m a pretty fast worker, whoever’s worked with me know i always get my stuff done quickly and over with.
now i’m taking my own bloody sweet time on purpose because whatever you’re paying us its been made full use of TOTALLY. and i don’t want to finish it early and you’ll think i’m idling because i have nothing to do and then pile on more work.
thank god its finally friday really.

on a lighter note, yesterday evening was spent slacking at a cozy area on another level (privileges of getting assigned to measure other levels, we can “disappear” and still be thought of as doing work :D)
that secret spot had a cozy couch and comfy huge pillow and peace and silence, away from the dreadful level 3 that we’re on :)

I”M GOING TO BE AS SLACK AS I CAN POSSIBLY BE.

7 more weeks.

woahhhh my first salary in… YEARS!
its a pathetic amount but whatever the pay is money is never enough anyway. LOL even if i get 5k its still never enough. so whatever amount doesnt matter.
just wana get this internship done and over with! (AND NEVER WANNA WORK IN THE NEAR FUTURE LIKE GIVE ME 5 YEARS TO RECOVER FROM THIS NIGHTMARE!)

2 more friggin months!!!!!
CAN”T WAIT.

the only stuffs that’re keeping me going: lili & FOOD!
other than that i can’t wait to get outta this hell

the first outing after the internship is gonna be OUT IN THE NATURE
i’m gonna ask my mom to buy me new lens if i survive this internship.

and i’m not getting her anything for mothers day because she’s a horrible mother to me.
i won’t expect her to get me a birthday present either. since she buys me whatever i want even if there’s no occasion. just that i can’t ask for shitload of money for plastic surgery or stuff like that. my birthdays never did matter to her at all. o’wells.

offended a colleague because of my blunt replies.
i guess anyone would be offended by the way i speak unless they understand my character :S

kept hurting myself when using the measuring tape

“scolded” by someone in charge of checking our work because i produced incomplete and slipshod work

black faces in the office esp from the boss (i’m sensing some hostility)

back at home,
burnt by oil splatters when frying chicken (again) second time in 2 weeks ):<

another weird ulcer under my tongue (2nd time this week)
it’s not the usual white-ish ulcer but its blood-ish. the previous one was in a bubble which i burst (LOTSA BLOOD) this time round its kinda flat but super uncomfortable and ain’t burstable (I TRIED) so it’s still here -_-”

when bad things happen they keep happening ):<

counting down again.
thank god its finally friday. but i don’t want monday to come ):

sigh why does labor day have to fall on a saturday ):

hokkien mee uncle’s closed thurs and fri, which means no hokkien for 4 days ):

bought wanton mee just now and aunty’s being super stingy about giving me more soup (LIKE WTF I”M NEVER PATRONIZING YOU EVER AGAIN)

tsk. i just flooded my twitter. maybe i just need a place to rant.

but i have a bad habit of deleting whatever i type so i’ve just deleted a whole page of rants here because i figure i don’t need the whole world to read about my pointless rants.

i can go on and on but i’ll just keep deleting them so..

fuck it this is a totally pointless post.

i’m just moody and angsty and cold and nasty and if my mom talks to me anytime soon i swear i’m gonna have a panic attack.
thank god she’s at the other side of singapore right now. but no thanks to god i’m at work.
i can’t wait for internship to be over. i hate my boss. i hate waking up early. i hate doing shit work.

okay before i delete everything again i’ll just publish this.

and add a picture to this senseless post reflecting my current state.

(update: 1pm)and a 5 min doodle because i didn’t feel like doing the assigned work & i was bored

(update: 3pm)

free fruits!

counting down: 3+ hours to go

(update: 5.30pm)
i’m not looking forward to tomorrow (onwards) because we have to move in to sit with the rest of the colleagues >:(
fucking ruined my mood. i’m gonna hate working even more now.
the aircon inside’s gonna be so much colder and the seats less comfy and with so many eyes watching there’s prolly less opportunity to slack.
(i just woke up from an hour’s nap btw :X)
hownowbrowncow i wanna think of excuses to move back :(((((((((((
i hate my boss i hate my boss i hate my boss.

this’s the first time i’ll ever say this word (HATE) about both of them because i thought i only hated my mom and i had the greatest dad but NO I DO NOT.
i don’t wanna type i hate my dad because i hate my mom more so i’ll just type parents and rant about my dad.
my dad’s hesitant about spending money on me. (OBVIOUS BECAUSE HE USED TO BUY MORE TIDBITS BUT NOW HE”S SCRIMPING ON GROCERY)
the other day he asked what i wanna do after graduation (PERHAPS HINTING WHAT I WANNA WORK AS) then i was like “huh so fast go out to work? of course i wanna continue studying first” then he’s like hesitant about sending me overseas because of the hefty fees then he said like “then gotta save up if you wanna go overseas” HINTING THAT MONEY”S DEPLETING LIKE SO FRIGGIN OBVIOUS
trying to make me feel like a burden and a waste of money.
I HATE THIS FEELING OF BEING A BURDEN AND DISAPPOINTMENT AND ALL THAT FUCKING SHIT.
fucking hell you know what, if i’m not gonna continue studying I”M NOT GONNA WORK AS WELL.
IF YOU HAVE MONEY TO SPEND ON YOUR FAVORITE DAUGHTER IN AUSTRALIA WHO”S NOW NEITHER STUDYING NOR WORKING THEN DON”T EXPECT ME TO WORK AFTER GRADUATING FROM POLY.

I HATE BEING POOR.
I HATE BEING IN A POOR FAMILY.
I HATE HAVING POOR PARENTS.

PERIOD.

bought this little thing @ ikea for only 0.90cents!! :P <3

slacking away as usual (whenever possible)

plus sides about working:
-workplace is like less than 10 mins walk to ikea <3
-awesome classmate attached to the same company :D
-hawker food here’s awesome! some stuff i always buy: curry puffs, mee siam, mee rebus, fried hokkien mee, fried oyster omelette, paus (buns), etc etc i look forward to buying food every single day! <3
-and my mom gives me more money ever since i started working :D

but the down sides… countless.

I TOTALLY HATE TRAFFIC JAMS. on a bad/rainy day, we’d take like an hour to drive back LIKE WTF RIGHT. it’s already far enough and the jam totally makes me hate the location even more.

work’s draining & sucking all that energy in me as i’m counting the days till the end of attachment - 26 June. ):
-counting down to 6.30pm everyday
-hoping that there’ll be no assignment given so i can slack the day away
-going out to buy food to get a break from the stressful environment
-hiding in the toilet & slack when the aircon’s freezing cold

now i’m extremely certain that i’m not ready for working life (and i don’t know when i’ll ever be)
i hate being asked to do work ): especially by colleagues around my age. basically i hate being asked to do stuff -_-” and if its not what they expect i’ve to re-do according to their preferences I”LL BE SUPER PISSEDDDDDDDDDD i guess i’m just too pampered but whatever.
and i hate to abide by the rules (but here its not so bad because there’s no fixed timing for lunch breaks, can go anytime just have to be back in about an hr)

i’m such a slacker ): i can’t relate to majority who’d rather be asked to do work, like they actually complain when they have no work to do -_-”
OMG i’d so rather stone the day away than be piled up with stuff to do ):
but i guess that’s just me

and i don’t like this company because my miser boss makes full use of us cheap labour and makes sure he gets his money well spent. if we finish our work he’d give us more work so we wouldn’t idle. we’re paid a miserable $460 and he still thinks we’re not doing enough to make his money well spent -_-” _|_

but i’m sooooo glad i’m not alone here, i don’t know how i’d survive without my classmate lili around with me!
26 JUNE, PLEASE COME SOONERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

searched my archive and Oct 2007 was the last time i ever worked.
the thought of stepping into the real world again scares me more than anything. this time it might even jeopardize my studies.
i’ll be having my attachment, a 9-6.30 job, all the way at queenstown area. (super inconvenient and i’ve never been around that part of singapore other than going to ikea)
i hate the thought of meeting the requirements of others because with requirement comes disappointment(s).
i don’t know how i’m going to get along with my boss/colleagues because given my character, it’s tough.
i risk offending anyone along the way due to my bluntness and straightforwardness and i have this megaphobia about people disliking me (yet i don’t wanna do anything to make myself more likable because I AM ME. plus i hate sucking up.)

hownowbrowncow
5 April - 26 June, time please FLY like a rocket because i want it to be over already ):

the plus side’s that i won’t be joining the company alone, so hopefully things would turn out okay

call me paranoid but here’s what happened!
usually my dad comes home 7-ish 8-ish latest 9 everyday when i’m watching tv in the living room.
so yesterday was friday, he’d usually come home earlier on fridays like 7-ish maybe?
then when it was 9, he wasn’t back, i started to worry like why didn’t he mention he’s not coming back late! because usually if he has something on he’d let me know not to leave any dinner for him.
every single time i hear the sound of keys/gate outside i’d think that it’s him
so finally he came back at 12-ish
so he went for some wine with his friends
anyway i told him my maid cooked chicken leg. i know that he loves it so i didn’t eat any :)

i feel like i’m letting my parents down all the time.
ever since primary school i was always a disappointment. back then, it was because i had a smart sister who scores well in school. then moving on to PSLE, she scored almost 260 and i’m a mere 216. she moved on to an independent girls’ school while i got to a neighborhood school with bengs and lians. then i barely made it to O levels due to attendance but thank god i managed to struggle my way there. my sis got a single digit L1R5 while i scored a 14 for L1R4.
i didn’t feel that bad because i was happy that my sister could do my parents proud.

but i HATE the feeling of disappointment. whether i’m disappointing someone or whether i’m disappointed in something i just hate that friggin word.

the first time my dad had a taste of my ‘panic attack’ i bet i scared him shitless. (there was one day my mom and i had a huge ‘fight’ going on i can’t remember exactly but yeah, so i went home venting my anger in every possible way, screaming and shouting and slamming stuff and i think i self-injured myself that day too) i think it was then he realized how serious my depression was. so i guess he’s been trying to help me with it all these while, forwarding encouraging emails, asking me to go out, reminding me to take things easy all the time. he knows. he knows there’s something wrong with me psychologically but he’d not talk directly about my depression nor push me into ‘recovery’ because once you get into the mental institute you’d definitely be judged a nutcase from then on.
then again i know that it’s a matter of time before i drive myself insane. all he does is try to make me feel better about myself.
i’m thankful for great parents but i can’t help but feel like i’m just a complete wreck.

i’m just ranting because it’s been an emotional week of tears and more tears.
i don’t know why i cry so goddamn easily.

speaking of tears, i’ve watched Marley & Me 6 times and i’ve cried all 6 times especially from the scene where Marley was lying in the clinic, sick, and about to be put to sleep. i can soo empathize with the feelings of his family ):

tagged :P

actually i don’t like eating peas and i hate eating peanuts :/
but fairprice murukus come with peas and nuts, and i eat muruku everyday, so i’d pick out the peas and nuts, and accumulate in a jar (my parents like peanuts but i ain’t sure about peas tho)
if they’re sick of eating nuts i’d just cook them :D
i’ve already thought of how i could use peanuts, maybe crush them and add to cookies/cakes
and for peas, they’re easier to make use of because once cooked they’re soft and easier to eat :P can fry them with potatoes or boil them in soups or make congee or whatever. i’ll find some way to use them :P
(i baked chicken and added in peas in the baking dish for more flavor)
so no waste no waste!

yeap so you figured i hate wastage.
i really really do.
i’d finish every bit of leftover food on the dining table.
and when i see people not finishing their food, i feel like slapping them :P (nah i’m kidding i wouldn’t but i’d just roll my eyes)
i hate wasting paper too, like printing stuff/etc.
i loveeeee the idea of recycling & anything friendly to the environment.
i hate it when people don’t recycle.
okay nuff ramblings i just can’t sleep so yaddah yaddah yaddah bye.

why’s gambling like everywhere during cny.
i hate gambling. i hate the thought of it. i hate the sound of it. i hate people doing it.

anyways my neighbor’s been swimming with them mahjong tiles since afternoon so they prolly hit 12 hours of non-stop gambling already.
i’m on level 2 now and i can still hear the shuffling of mahjong tiles in their backyard.
actually that doesn’t annoy me (compared to the wails of babies) there is no noise i hate more than any sound a baby makes. even a laughter irks me. okay shall not drift too far from the gambling topic.

i remember in the past at every chalet/party, whenever the mates play cards/gamble i’d always feel totally left out because i hated to get involved in such activities.

so yeah. if so many people love getting involved in such activities that’s prolly why i’m friendless.
but i won’t care to make friends with gamblers anyways :)

i’ve been sleeping around 5am everyday
i have a pimple that’s taking forever to heal
i’ve been baking chicken & potatoes <3
i haven’t touched any homework till date
i still hate my mother

and i hate xmas.

2 weeks of not going back to school BUT its soooo not a vacation break THERE”S STILL WORK TO DO though i’m sure the procrastinator in me would wait till the very last minute to get down to do work.
urghhhhhhhh i’m so darn lazy and i’ve been giving crappy work cos all i wanna do is get everything done and over with i can’t be bothered about giving good work
Whateverrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

drove to expo for the food fair & mph warehouse sale :D
HE WANTED TO TAKE TRAIN OMG but i was like nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo then okay we drove there
why does he like to take public transport -_-”

so i bought 5 books from the fair for $30 :D
call me weird but i’d spray with disinfectant before reading.

then at the food fair my dad bought his curry stuff while i bought my nata de coco (5 packets for $5) and 9 packets of soy dessert thingies for $5.
i’m so in love with lychee flavored anything.
bought my fav greensfield choco malt drink too :D it’s my fav choco milk brand by far.

no visuals but the food fair’s really nothing.
don’t bother to go if its too far/troublesome for you because it isn’t something to rave about.
it’s my first time to a food fair so i was kinda expecting more.
but there weren’t that many stalls and not much food stuff that can be bought in bulk and the discounts aren’t apparent.

but glad i went because i found new addictions to NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM omgz but is that a good or a bad thing LOL

okay maybe i’ll go to expo again when i’m not lazy.
i love shopping at “non-shopping-malls” places. okay maybe i’m just sick of shopping in singapore.
that’s why i’m always either shopping online (with HEFTY U.S SHIPPING COSTS) or shopping overseas (AIR TIX COST @#&^@*#)
sucks to be me!

my dad accompanied me to cityhall area to take photos for schoolwork yesterday
it’s nice having him around. he was the one holding the map and leading me LOL

okay too many to upload. printed like about 100 pics i think. selected from 300 pics. like omgz rightz.

spent the night uploading and choosing pics to print
and then my dad got them printed for me and passed me in school today to hand in

what will i do without my wonderful daddy (:

(omg i could use some sleep right now but 20 more mins before i need to head out for my next class)

sigh i don’t like tuesdays ):
and i hate thursdays.

who has 3d studio max?
i think i need a windows laptop soon. (looking at netbooks… any to recommend?)

its just one of those days when i just have so much on my mind…

let’s start with the train ride.
it’s been like months since i last took a train to town and i’ve been getting stares which made me feel extremely out of place and uncomfortable.
i know i don’t blend in very much with the crowd but… what’s wrong with me???
okay people probably think i’m too skinny, what else?
i hate it when the word ugly keeps appearing in my head. i hate being ugly and i hate being judged.
i really wanna know what’s on their mind and why they’re staring.
the entire train ride was a torture.
i hate public transport ):
and i happened to stand in-front of an uncouth nose-digging loser. and encountered a middle-aged (probably jobless) dude rushing for the empty seat across the jam-packed cabin.
is that just a typical mrt scene nowadays, am i being too discriminating?
because i never want to take the mrt and experience all that again ):

next topic.. my wonderful dad.
i’m kinda thankful that my dad accepts me for who i am.. he’s like.. really nice?
seeing his daughter getting inked, rebellious and rude, and still looks forward to going for outings together.. he doesn’t judge me.. and he knows i lack discipline but he doesn’t make me feel bad about myself..
like that day before he left for penang he was saying he saw a letter from the army for me (yeah i guess they mass-sent it to whoever whatever) then he jokingly said that i sure “cannot make it” because of discipline (or rather, the lack of).
his tone was not the typical lecturing tone when “YOU LACK DISCIPLINE NOW IT”S TIME FOR ME TO TEACH YOU SOME MANNERS” kinda attitude..
he’s always giving me the forgiving and accepting tone.
i guess he wants me to learn by my mistakes and grow from them myself..
i feel so guilty because i’m such a horrible daughter.
sigh nvm.

too bad my mom’s not in sg.
my sis’s still in perth
it’s just my dad & i
this year’s birthdays are all screwed.
my birthday cake wasn’t cut on my actual day (which i’m still mad at my mom about)
my sis wasn’t in sg to celebrate her birthday
i was in bangkok on my mom’s birthday
and now my dad’s birthday….
i really wanna cook up a big feast tonight but i’m afraid it’ll be too much/too unhealthy for him. urgh nvm maybe we’ll just cut a cake when my mom’s back?
idk i’m such a horrible daughter.
well but i bought him 3 shirts from bangkok… maybe that could count as a birthday present? idk
but i bet my mom’s super jealous cos i didn’t get her anything :D
who asked her to FORGET ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY.
yeap that’s me for being super unforgiving and now you know how i bear grudges :)

i have a problem with making friends.. because i’m not very outspoken and i don’t interact much with people..
so some people may think that i’m anti-social or unfriendly or unapproachable?
i have fears of rejection and etc etc issues
and i have this problem since i was little. i was the shy and quiet kid who’d hide behind my mother on every family event. then i was the intimidated primary school kid who’s afraid to do anything LOUD lest i grab any unwanted attention.
i’ve always been afraid of whether i’d be accepted by my peers. in primary school i was worrying about whether my sister will choose her friends over me, till secondary school worrying about whether my friends will find me a bore when we go out, whether they’d choose other friends over me because of our preferences/etc.
i have fears of going out alone with a single friend because i’m afraid i’ll be such a bore that there’ll be awkward silent moments when we have nothing to talk about.

in secondary school when i just entered i was trying to fit in by learning how to speak mandarin because everyone speaks mandarin. i was laughed at because of my wrong pronunciation/etc. then later i found that most of my secondary school mates lived in hdb flats and i was so afraid to disclose my address because i was afraid to be different. i started being rebellious and stopped taking my parent’s car to school because all my friends take public transport to school.
i did not want my schoolmates to think that i’m richer just because i stay in a bigger place or something like that (because i totally am not rich at all!) and i didn’t want them to take advantage of me either. i’ve always been wary of people trying to take advantage of me that’s why there’s always this barrier.
in the end after trying hard to blend in, i think i finally did “become” one of them. but come to think of it now, i totally regretted because that wasn’t who i am at all. and i’d become someone i do not even recognize. after graduating, i guess i automatically forsook that “character” and became more “myself”, also because i matured and managed to straighten out my thinkings.
so after the whole secondary school ordeal i decided to just be myself. but i guess the real me isn’t well-liked at all. (lol)
but whatever it is, i’d rather be rejected than try to be someone else just to be accepted.

i’m thankful that now i have an awesome buddy who understands me and accepts me for who i am (:
i have the worst attitude and temper in the whole wide world but she bears no grudges because she knows i don’t mean it. she’s the most forgiving and enduring person i’ve ever met!
even when another classmate asked how “how can you stand melissa?! she’s so @*&#^@*”
she stood by me :)

i’ve always been trying to keep my temper, control it, whatever. but when it happens.. it happens… (i even scream at my mother I HATE HER so many times but do i really mean it?!)
i just can’t control my emotions that’s why i always say/do things i don’t mean when triggered.

i guess that’s why i’ve scared so many people out of my life.

maybe i’m just a horrible friend to begin with… and if no one likes me.. i’m just gonna.. be alone ):

mom’s going to m’sia till coming tuesday (i think KL?)
dad’s going penang on 30 Oct
why don’t they ever travel together..
my mom’s the hilton hotel fussy traveller while my dad’s the adventurous simplicity walker
how’d they end up getting married in the first place?!
now they’re too old to regret and re-marry anyway so they’re stuck with each other (lol -_-)

i don’t understand why my mom loves staying at hilton hotel (EVEN IN MALAYSIA?!?!)
i have to “suffer” with budget accommodation for all my trips, still feeling the pain, and she enjoy her luxurious accommodation. and then get stingy with me and complains i spend too much money. F U C K.

anyhows i just ordered $200 worth of biscuits online :X haha new addition to my junkfood area. kill me please.
and i’m contemplating ordering ice cream because lugging tubs of ice cream home each grocery trip is draining all my energy & making me skinnier than i already am.

okay i’m rattling on because it’s 3.33AM and i can’t friggin sleep. watching AFC isn’t helping. i’m inspired to cook just watching those shows.

ohhhhhh and someone commented that my cheeks are chubbier
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH whatever okay i can’t help that everything i eat goes to my face instead of my skinny-boney body.

period.

pfft. missed my flight.
i totally underestimated the efficiency level of the budget airline.
they totally closed the counter ON TIME dudeeeeee. i was only like 5 mins late or so. dang.
now i’m waiting for the next flight which’s at 10.50
way to go mel. you have a few hours to kill. can’t sleep lest i miss the flight AGAIN.

urgh.

with the total amount of money spent on those air tix/making of changes, its equivalent to an SQ ticket already. BOOHOOHOO.

and to think i could still be smiling eh

anyways i’ll be updating via twitter when i’m there so check that space out.

on a side note, how do i STOP twitter from automatically updating on my facebook?! i do not wish to flood my friends’ newsfeeds :/

i had my first accident with my loft bed.
yeap i’ve never fallen off my bed ever, they’re perfectly safe.
BUT.
i’m bruised and swollen all over now ):
i fell that’s right, but not what you think :S
I WAS CHANGING THE SHEETS then idk i was standing on my shelf beside my bed then idk why i slipped or sth -_-”
and below’s like another shorter shelf with SHARP-ish objects on it and i knocked everything over anyway.
so i didn’t fall off my bed
i just fell because of that bed.
TSK
okay nvm i’m blabbering not very properly idk what i’m saying i’m just.. in a lot of pain right now
):

because my mac doesn’t have autocad, and my desktop doesn’t have EVERYTHING ELSE THAT MY MACBOOK HAS.

on a random note, i’m digging michael smith’s chef at home and chopped. my favorite shows on AFC for now. but i hate that they repeat shows all the time. that bachelor show i swear i watched one episode AT LEAST THRICE, might even be 4 times. omg?

jumped off my loft bed and so… i shall mourn over the loss of this black block that served me well for a coupla years.

all my files are in there… so.. everything’s gone. pictures of my past… travels.. BIBI… ):

the past shall cease to exist.
memories faded. with nothing to remind me of.

i’m upset.

whom i meet only once a year, for barely 2 hours each visit. (lunar new year visiting)
this year, twice, only because i have to interview an old folk for a school project.
i truly am guilty, and ashamed.

random stuff i found out about her:
she is more easy-going than i thought she would be
she’s been hospitalized before, 5 years ago (and i didn’t even know)
she has many friends and loves hanging out
she speaks malay better than mandarin
she has to take lots of medication everyday to sustain her life
she goes to malaysia for short trips with her friends
she doesn’t miss her granddaughter (me) a lot or yearn to see me/spend time with me that much
she dotes on her grandsons a lot, probably because she takes care of them since forever
my mom’s the one who gives her a lot of money and offers to sponsor her if she wants to travel around
my mom takes her out to restaurants for meals occasionally

it was.. awkward. but i’m glad i visited her (always wanted to but didn’t) because afterall she’s my grandmother and she’s old and… well yeah.

this was lunch today

no chips for 3 days already ): no wonder i’m losing weight.
tea-time i tried eating crackers but this’s the first time ever i didn’t finish the entire packet ):
i finished 3/4 packet but with some difficulty. it’s tiring to crunch on just one side.

it’s father’s day and i really wanna eat some good food with my dad but ): ): ):

-i ruined my ibook. now it’s totally dead.
-i’m bruised again.
-i can’t stop hurting myself when the anxiety attacks kick in
-i can’t control myself anymore
-crying doesn’t help. i’m just getting myself more swelled up.
-i can’t stop hating myself
-i can’t stop hating everything
-i can’t stop..

I”M NOT GOING TO EAT SO LONG AS THERE IS SOMEONE OCCUPYING THE LIVING ROOM.

I NEED MY FRIGGIN SPACE.
I JUST WANNA EAT MY JUNK SO LET ME HAVE MY SPACE AND LET ME EAT IN PEACE.
ALONE.

why do people like to do things to prevent me from eating? am i that fat?! huh huh huh??

examples:
-not letting me have my comfort zone to eat in peace
-packeting food from my house parties, taking food away from me so i don’t have alot to eat?
(a clear example was when i was STILL EATING and people start packeting food home. INFRONT OF ME, EATING. WTF)
-asking me to share food (i’m not a friggin santa claus. go buy your own candies.)

i’m in the worst mood right now so F OFF EVERYONE.

where i wore so sloppyishly to,
where we were so bored,
where we wandered around and ended up sitting at this bench while waiting for everyone to be done,
where we were eyeing on those boxes of FOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDD,
and where we camwhored:

the day,
started off badly with horrible attitude from the maid,
random cold war with my mom in the car to and fro,
received warning letter regarding attendance,
fucked up attitude from maid back home,
ate 5 freaking rice dumplings without even realizing it wasn’t real chicken filling i ate, but vegetarian filling (it tastes so damn REAL!),
okay that was really random LOL
but the day ended with a smile despite all that crap
because…
my dad opened his bag and gave me a bag of kit kat! (from his colleague TO ME!!!!!)
she said because i’m very skinny.
and that made my dad laugh while he said it.
how very cute.
AND KIT KAT WAS NICE (:

-i dislike long nails with extravagant manicure. (i mean, what’s the point when it’s gonna come off in no time, and you’ll have difficulty typing or whatsoever! AND THEY COLLECT GERMS AND DIRT)
-i haven’t had a haircut in 2 years. (i just couldn’t be bothered?)
-i like my chicken 90% cooked, with a hint of bloody raw. (because i like them tender and i HATEEEEEE overcooked chicken)
-just as i like my steak medium rare. (that’s pretty damn common anyway)
-i have purchased 7 pairs of shoes in less than a month.

okay i am off to trim my (already)short nails.

when my mom sent me to school
she asked why i was wearing so many layers when its pretty warm out there
i said my school has the winter air con
she said i should try to adapt to it instead of fighting it
i replied the more i shiver the more i’m sure going to become skinny boney

bahhh.

oh.
need someone to teach me how to update twitter using my cellphone.
anyone?

flying off in approx 11 hours!

p.s i’ll miss you bastis! lol :D

i’ve lost count of the number of times i changed the layout of my room.

why can’t i stick to one… something.. and not get tired of it ever?

my big tee caught fire in the kitchen (fire was too huge, and i was leaning over to grab some stuff) it was a loose tee so thank god i didn’t get burnt.
i shook the fire off.
there’s a burnt hole in the tee now. (lol?)

- after tonight’s american idol show, i truly am impressed by adam.
- i’m so sick of lil’rounds already. and scott.
- michael’s in such a dangerous position. i like him as a person, but definitely don’t think he has any star qualities.
- i missed the first 3 performances, so i can’t really judge overall.
- oh, the LONGGGGG and frequent tv commercial breaks on star world annoys the shit outta me

- i like watching “The Seventh Day” on ch55 only because of the cutie Jack and the couple jia-en & zhiying.
- i hate sasa. she’s so annoying.
- i’d rather have don with jessie instead. sasa’s poor, has no class, annoying and uglier. why her?

- i’m aiming to get a wide angle lens soon. preferably 10-20mm, but keeping my options open. (price IS a factor)

- i can’t wait to… finally die.

lol i’m serious, like get my fuckin life done and over with.

i wanna watch disney on ice!

i’m back!
sun burnt, sleep-deprived, energy-drained, in-room-dining-caused bankruptcy, yadda yadda yadda the list goes on man

i’m super tired after the long drive back to singapore (but i kinda like road trips now)
but okay i’m soooo not going back to malacca again!
-touristy-town with minimal shopping opportunities (though lots of souvenir shops which i have absolutely zero interest in)
a peranakan-y place, i still can’t believe i have peranakan blood in me, because i totally can not relate to it at all (apart from liking the delicacy)
-no cheap food for my huge-ass appetite (i spent SGD100+ solely on food, and room service dining, in just 3 friggin days)

but yay to the yummy breakfast buffet spread, especially when there’s aiman who’s so nice to re-fill teh tarik for me automatically :X
yay to the best vanity house to hang out when i’m having insomnia. and i <3 my gf bp bp bp.

why is it so hard to forget someone,
yet when you do so easily, you’re being labelled as heartless?
i can’t help but feel emotional.
i was packing my stuff, and came across bibi’s photos again.
its so hard to forget all the memories with her
i really want to forget, thus making me feel less miserable.
but if i really do, i’m just another heartless jerk.

):

my mom has facebook!
omg right!
anyone’s mummys and daddys who has facebook can ask them add each other!
lol :D

like my mummy and daddy, i miss my sis! and wondering if she’s able to adapt well in aussie, hoping she’d be capable of taking good care of herself, manage her time and finance well there, able to do her chores without a maid ):, whether she’s lonely being so far away from home, having few friends there to accompany her, blah blah blah
omg
and so cute, my dad rushes to the phone upon hearing it ring every single time, hoping its my sis! see so gan jiong! afterall she’s the one who’s always doing us proud, my daddy’s pinning all hopes on her! omg hope she doesn’t feel too much pressure!

the last picture we took together at home:

and one last picture together at the airport before her flight:

kinda lost contact with lotsa friends so i only went to esmond’s place for chinese new year visiting.. lol.. quite sad huh!
but anyway it was nice catching up with an old friend!

my sis’s leaving for aussie in less than 48 hours ):
everyone’s so gonna miss her.. she’s not coming home for chinese new year dinner next year!
shall we go over to aussie for cny dinner next year? :D
my mom keeps harping on going to aussie and even wants to stay there often, yet she’s hesitating about going there on chinese new year next year. tsk!
shall give all my cny wishes to my sis, hope she does well in her studies, takes good care of herself, stays cheerful and healthy, have fun and we will be visiting soon!!!!!!!!!!! wait for us! :D

i’m not gonna list any new year resolutions, because i don’t feel like i’d have any determination to abide by them/ achieve anything.
i’ll just go with the flow, at my own pace, and achieve anything i can.
maybe my resolution might be just to stay positive and eliminate all thoughts of suicidal.

g’day everyone.

random 2008 facts:

-i turned 20 (duh)
-i stopped clubbing
-barely touched any alcohol the whole year round
-i lost friendship(s)
-it was a year of isolation, abandonment and rejection.
-i earned kinship. with my dad.
-i have consumed the most amount of food in 2008
-i have consumed at least 600 tubs (1.5-2litre tubs) of ice cream in a year
-i have been single for the whole of 2008
-i have spent more than $30,000 in a year.
-i have been unhappy for at least 300 days.
-have been suicidal for at least 100 days.
-i have never been truly happy at all
-i learnt that i’m gay

hopefully 2009 will bring new hopes for me..
goodbye 2008.

greetings from bangkok!
i’m at an internet cafe in pratunam area right now so its like 15 baht per half an hour.
anyway yadda yadda yadda

i can’t post any pictures but if you’re lucky to catch me on msn right now hello *waves to webcam*

okay ciao!