i hate this feeling.
March 7th, 2010
i feel like i’m letting my parents down all the time.
ever since primary school i was always a disappointment. back then, it was because i had a smart sister who scores well in school. then moving on to PSLE, she scored almost 260 and i’m a mere 216. she moved on to an independent girls’ school while i got to a neighborhood school with bengs and lians. then i barely made it to O levels due to attendance but thank god i managed to struggle my way there. my sis got a single digit L1R5 while i scored a 14 for L1R4.
i didn’t feel that bad because i was happy that my sister could do my parents proud.
but i HATE the feeling of disappointment. whether i’m disappointing someone or whether i’m disappointed in something i just hate that friggin word.
the first time my dad had a taste of my ‘panic attack’ i bet i scared him shitless. (there was one day my mom and i had a huge ‘fight’ going on i can’t remember exactly but yeah, so i went home venting my anger in every possible way, screaming and shouting and slamming stuff and i think i self-injured myself that day too) i think it was then he realized how serious my depression was. so i guess he’s been trying to help me with it all these while, forwarding encouraging emails, asking me to go out, reminding me to take things easy all the time. he knows. he knows there’s something wrong with me psychologically but he’d not talk directly about my depression nor push me into ‘recovery’ because once you get into the mental institute you’d definitely be judged a nutcase from then on.
then again i know that it’s a matter of time before i drive myself insane. all he does is try to make me feel better about myself.
i’m thankful for great parents but i can’t help but feel like i’m just a complete wreck.
i’m just ranting because it’s been an emotional week of tears and more tears.
i don’t know why i cry so goddamn easily.
speaking of tears, i’ve watched Marley & Me 6 times and i’ve cried all 6 times especially from the scene where Marley was lying in the clinic, sick, and about to be put to sleep. i can soo empathize with the feelings of his family ):
March 9th, 2010 at 10:25 pm
i hate this feeling as well. apparently it has been an emotional week for me too. and just nice i stumbled upon your website. well, you’re better than me cause you have good parents. my mum died, my dad remarried and he hates me in the house.. i don’t know if i’m suffering depression, but if i’m not.. its sooner or later. oh wells.
March 10th, 2010 at 5:30 pm
omg :/ i’m sorry to hear about your parents.. i.. don’t know what to say.. but i hope your life gets better in future..
do you have friends to talk to? (because apparently i don’t have friends..) friends are important to keep your spirits up.. get your mind off the depressing stuff :)
March 10th, 2010 at 7:08 pm
thanks for your reply though i didn’t expect it.. but i see u have so many friends.. don mind me asking.. how did u know u were under depression and cope with ur depression? how can i know if i’m sick? =/
March 12th, 2010 at 4:23 am
hmm.. i’m not diagnosed with depression.. just that i have problems coping with my emotions and i get panic attacks when i get worked up. that’s when i can’t control myself and might attempt to do things i wouldn’t consider doing when i’m calm. (like hurting myself, destroy items etc) there’s too much on my mind and everything affects me and might trigger my anxiety.
and i don’t have friends.. the last time i went out with any friend… i can’t even remember. after being alone for so long i find it hard to communicate or maintain friendships so hi-bye friends are all i have. i don’t have anyone to fall back on or talk to about any problems..
hmm i think if you’re leading a normal life without extreme thoughts, communicating well with people (not avoiding all contacts), not self-hurting (that’s a sign you need help already..), those are signs of depression i guess?
actually i’m not a doctor and i don’t know that much to determine whether one’s sick or not….
best is you seek professional help or at least your parents?
but by asking this question at least you know your problems and you’re trying to resolve.. so i’m sure you’ll get better.
so anyway hope you feel better :)
March 21st, 2010 at 11:39 am
thanks girl. maybe i’m lucky not to have panic attacks. if i did, i think with the amount of things running through my mind, i would have already hurt myself till death a long long time ago. well, i did tell a friend of mine, that if he spots anything wrong with me that i don’t know of, to bring me to a doctor. if anything happens to me, my dad’s the one that caused the problems. so going to my parent won’t help a single bit. anyway, really thank you for your reply. it kinda make me feel i’m not alone in this state.
March 21st, 2010 at 12:20 pm
yup you’re not alone :) in fact there are people who’re in worse situations than us…. i know we just can’t help feeling miserable still.. but well i guess we’re still alive so.. that’s something positive?
i’m glad you have a friend by your side, hang in there.
you can still come back and talk to me if there’s anything :) i’ll keep replying!