melicacy

there goes another week of school..
why is it so goddamn hard to fight the urge to skip school.
this week’s been exceptionally hard.. but pulled through.. barely made it tho.

so i had my monday blues

tuesday was a breeze

wednesdays with larry’s, dreadful. especially the fact that he never ends on time. ever.

thursday was a tough fight.. i almost gave in to that devil in my head..
but thank god i made it to class..

and finally, i had the most horrible friday ever, so far.
i dreaded every single minute of the day.

i shrink from the thought of charcoal application. god dammit. nasty…
then on to the long breaks, with every single free minute, all that i have in mind was the contemplation of going home.
then to communication skills, which needs no elaboration on what a bore that subject is.
cept that twas a lil different today, cus we had a test, which totally sucked for me.

all i ever look forward to everyday was to go home after school and sink into my couch, stuffing my silly face with all the food that i bought home, and my tubs of ice cream.

i am still not sick of springrolls, carrot cake and curry puffs.
in addition, i’ve been having nasi lemak, nasi bryani and otahs.

i have been having lotsa dreams…

the nice dreams..
that baby german shephard, going oz, ..

but the thing is..
they all turn up to be a disaster.. no matter how sweet the dream was to begin with..

everyday i have to constantly try to find reasons to stay alive..
its a battle so tough, i’m still here fighting it every single day…
every day is a struggle.. i’m barely hanging on..
i hate the thought of turning twenty.. kept hoping that day would never come…
all that was going through my mind these days was whether my birthday would also be my deathday.. or whether i could still find reasons to keep me alive…
i’ve been frustrated more than usual these days..
and i’ve been thinking about death more than usual…
all the frustrations just lead me to wanting to seek death..
end all the agony.. once and for all..
its so.. hard…to find substantial reasons for me to stay alive anymore..
why is it so difficult to keep myself alive..
why can’t i be like any other ordinary kid, go through education proper, communicate proper, have an ordinary lifestyle, family, social life..

frustrated.. frustrated.. so……frustrated…………

if only..

if only….

damn moody..
damn moody…..

so the weekend just flew past.
wasn’t it meant for me to recuperate
my flu’s worsened
and i’m starting to cough.
great.

i feel terrible.
my nose is falling off.
i barely have any energy to blow my nose anymore.
much less cough.

and i still want more ice cream.

great job mel.

i look like cookie monster

guess whattttttttttttttt!

my beloved springrolls :D :D :D

almost everyday is antarctica day.
used to be the inability to wake up for school. now the coldness puts me off more than anything.

this was what i wore few days ago (don’t mind the messy laundry my maid left around)

even two jackets wouldn’t suffice.

i was still so friggin cold.
i need to purchase winter-wear already.

but its funny how i’m so intimidated by the cold yet i still love ice cream so so much.

i bought a box of ice cream from that old uncle outside st gabs for $5.50! (haven’t seen him for 2 days already….. thursday due to rain, friday due to st gab’s early dismissal so he left early as well)

didnt come with a tub so i used an old tub.
he gave me lotsa free waffle biscuits!!! so nice of him :D

been stuffing my fat face with ice cream everyday without fail.

i miss ice cream uncle! i always look forward to buying from him everyday after school.

and now i’ve been loving springrolls so much i have to have them everyday! omgomgomgomgogmogmogmg

i almost lost it..
almost broke down..

so.. so.. frustrated..

i’m trying to fight that devil..
trying.. trying…

i’m gonna break down sooner or later……

and my flu isn’t helping at all.

fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk

i like old people.

the uncle i see almost everyday yet i’ve never patronized him (due to the fact that the portion size’s really small)

but i finally bought from him, and i just found out he has mango flavor! omg its so damn nice.
if only i can find the tub version.
the guy selling mango ice cream tubs (illegally) at the mrt station hasn’t been there for a long time..
anyone knows where i can purchase them?

anyhoos, my $1 apple pies.

haven’t been able to concentrate in school the entire day…
i really really hope its just the monday blues……
all that was on my mind was ‘i wanna go home.. i wanna go home..’

but on a side note, i found 2 stalls in school selling springrolls for sgd0.60-sgd0.70 :)
one new item on my tabao list.
the sgd0.40 curry puff from the muslim stall sucked.

mcflurry is so expensive ):
to satisfy barely half my craving, i need at least $18 worth of mcflurry.
fuck it.

i’m spending all my money on food.
i barely have any money for anything else.
fuck it x2.

what i look forward to most everyday

ever since school started, i have:

-been having more conversations. (seems especially weird to my parents probably, because i never spoke much at all, for a long time.)
-not been watching much television
-had lesser time spent indulging in my tubs and tubs of ice cream (i only have my evenings-nights, weekends, and some mornings)
-been spending even more money on takeaways
-been a loyal patron of the currypuff store at amk hub
-and the goreng pisang store
-developed muscles from carrying my school bag/ laptop
-smiled more (not because i’m happy though.. but just to be friendly)

i still feel pressured about school.. whether history’s gunna repeat.. whether i’d be able to wake up for school.. whether i’d be lazy to do assignments..

i fear so so much.. being a disappointment again and again..

i still fear being judged…. i still wanna hide myself away from people whenever possible..

i don’t hate being ugly.. i just hate having people look at me.. at my ugliness.

taken by my group mate junhao